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"You're the only one who knows when you're using things to protect yourself and keep your ego together and when you're opening and letting things fall apart, letting the world come as it is - working with it rather than struggling against it. You're the only one who knows." ---Pema Chodron

Small world. I'm still getting familiar with how this blog thing works. I've clicked "next blog" a couple times and gotten Japanese teen bloggers.

Well, I finally read what the feature is supposed to do, i.e., take you to bloggers with similar interests. Hum, maybe that's the connection to foreign teens -- self-absorbtion. At any rate, I've posted a few times since I last checked out the next blog feature, so I clicked it again. This time I was taken to Epizoodiks, a southern writer's blog. Guess since I don't post pictures, I must be interested in writing. Well, lots of words on Epizoodiks. The blog has existed for several years and has many interesting links and features. I decided to follow just so I could find it again and try and explore some of the features. As well, the Pema Chodron quote is from the Epizoodiks blog. I almost laughed when I saw it. Seemed both poignant and ironic. Clearly false, yet right on the money. Very buddist indeed.

I just blogged about what a psychic told me. (I'm not fat I'm psychic and the fat will fall away as I open and release the heavy protection I carry.) Of course, another name (Buddhist lingo) for all that heavy psychic protection I am fortified with is e-g-o. I agree with Pema, holding on/resisting/struggling are ego based behaviors that make life hard and breed unproductive behaviors. I agree I continue to do these things. I don't agree that I'm the only one who knows. Here I agree with the psychic. My protection is pretty dang visible to anyone who even glances in my chubby direction.

Since I "committed" to changing my ways, I've been doing terribly - holding on, resisting, struggling. (Ha! Proof positive of how bad I'm doing, I'm judging myself.) I procrastinate about everything, I'm not exercising, I have silly emotional confrontations with silly emotional people, I make long lists of things to do and then sit on the computer and waste my time on Gameyola. (Do you have any idea how long it takes to collapse 350,000 squares and then try to beat your own score!) To make matters worse, among other things today I fueled my body with an egg mcmuffin, followed by bagel with cream cheese and a donut for lunch, and Mexican food with a glass of wine for dinner. And just because it's one of the few remaining worst foods in the world not yet listed, I admit I had an ice cream sandwich (Skinny Cow) for dessert. I'm blogging because I feel too full and uncomfortable to go to bed. I feel like I should have one of those midevel Christian leather whip/strap contraptions so I can just flog myself.

Oh my gosh, as I read this it sounds desperate, depressed even. Maybe that's it. Maybe I'm not psychic or Buddhist, maybe I just have a disease. I'd chalk it up to seasonal affect disorder but I don't think that applies to all four seasons . . .