Hell

Diet and health have basically gone to hell. I'm there. Hell.

Hell is out of control addiction. My addiction is food. My trigger was not a sweet treat, or even pizza. Kids. It was kids. Lots of them. My daughter split from a good riddance husband (her 2nd) and she and her four (count em 4!) children moved in with us. So much for empty nests.

In a nutshell, my full house prompted me to fill my belly to match the residential overflow I am experiencing. On the one hand, it hasn't been that bad. Kids spend half the week with dads and we are kidless for half the week. On the other . . .

Basically, any routine we had is gone. It's been four months. My daughter said three to six. It's looking like this will be years. It cost a LOT to raise 4 kids, too much to make it on a single income. While her intentions may be good, her finances aren't. But unfortunately, those intentions keep us from reaching realistic agreements about our living arrangements. We don't have set routines, there is lots of ongoing uncertainty. We are busy beyond belief and it plays itself out in self-abandonment. To my credit, I swim twice a week. From the start I made this a nonnegotiable priority. To my debit, that's the totality of my exercise and I eat far too much, far too late at night. And I drink wine. Plus, adios South Beach. Hello mac and cheese, pizza, hot dogs, bread, pasta . . .

I've gained about three pounds. Kind of surprises me it isn't more. But my belly is like a flabby tube around my midriff. Not a pretty sight. I scheduled a physical but it got postponed due to someone else's medical emergency. I was glad. I figure I need to get my act together or I'll end up on a bunch of meds. Just to prove my point, my hubby - overweight but not obese like me - did get a physical. He goes in tomorrow for a "prediabetic" appointment. His blood pressure is running on the high side but they're figuring it can all be controlled by diet. No doubt we'll be back on South Beach soon enough. Meanwhile, to prepare for his appointment, we're having pizza, pepperoni of course, with wine. Disorderly enough?

Oxymoron

Overeaters Anonymous. True, it is possible in some eating disorders for one's food consumption not to show. But unless one is into binging and purging, for the most part it's pretty hard to be an anonymous overeater. We overeaters wear our addiction around our waistline like big puffy scarlet letters. Hence, the concept of overeaters and anonymous would seem to qualify as an oxymoron. But I digress . . .

I took my granddaughter to a chiropractic appointment, following up on a sports injury. It's my chiropractor and I've seen her off and on for at least a decade. What I have never seen is a schedule for Overeaters Anonymous. I didn't even know they have such a thing in the rural area where I live. But there it was. Prominently displayed in the middle of a bulletin board. In addition to times and places, the schedule had a bunch of questions - Do you ever eat when you are not hungry? Do you ever eat so much your stomach hurts? Etc. Suffice it to say - Yes, yes, yes . . .

OMG I am an overeater anonymous! I almost wrote down the dates but didn't. It seemed silly and, well, weak. Who wants to sit around with a bunch of fat people and listen to them talk about being fat? We finished our appointment and went on our way. I didn't give it another thought until I was swimming. We'd been on a two week holiday break and I really missed swimming. I chatted with some other folks in the group who are diabetic. They mostly talked about over indulging - yes overeating. They ate too much, they ate til their stomach's hurt, etc. Got me thinking about the Anonymous thing again. I think I'll follow-up. 12 steps to slimness.

As that old Chinese proverb says, "even a journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step" and I may have 12 to look forward to.

Happy to Give Thanks

We're traveling for this "holiday." Yeah, it's a fantasy holiday based on a lie about Pilgrims and Indians but it is an occasion to get together with family and friends and share a big meal. We'll be traveling to the Bay Area to visit my hubby's family. Among other things, that means I do not have to cook or host. Yay! I'm truly thankful for that and happy. While we are there, we'll be going to the city to see all those famous impressionist paintings on loan from Paris. Who hasn't seen a poster of Starry Night? Well, now we get to see the original. Yet again, thankful and happy.

On the health front, I continue to swim and I have dropped about 7 pounds on South Beach phase 1. I'm moving on in phases but resolved to stick with healthy eating and the good feelings it produces. Plus, combined with swimming, I dropped inches from my torso and will be donating a bag of my biggest clothes. Woo hoo! Very happy. Healthy eating combined with exercise has made a dramatic impact on my general health. Not only am I not stiff and in pain, I feel -- Good.

Yesterday I spent the day with my granddaughter at her basketball tournament. I sat on bleachers for hours and after each game I was able to stand straight and walk. Sounds simple, but I couldn't have done it just three short weeks ago. Could not have even done it.

Between games we browsed at a Christmas craft fair and had lunch together. It was not phase I but I had a turkey burger on wheat and a salad. Plus, I shared the turkey burger with my granddaughter so she would have some protein to go with the fruit stuffed french toast she ordered. It was a good lunch and a very pleasant visit with a beautiful young lady. I had a wonderful day and I'm thankful.

Working things out

I'm in my 4th week of swimming. I definitely believe it is beneficial. For one thing, I motivated my bump on a log hubby to join me. He's just recovered from some health issues and sits at his computer at work most of the day. He definitely needs to do some kind of exercise. He decided to join me and says he immediately felt benefits.

I too feel benefits. After the first couple sessions tension in my neck and shoulders eased up, along with the pain that goes with it. Unfortunately, my body contorts to maintain functionality. I upset the apple cart. When the upper tension relaxed, the lower magnified. By the end of the second week, by low back was so locked up I literally could not stand up straight. So I decided to visit the chiropractor. She worked my entire spine over pretty good. Everywhere she touched hurt and after it continued to hurt, but I was able to stand upright. I kept swimming. Yesterday I went for a follow-up adjustment and today I swam again. I'm still not 100% but I do think my body is working things out. I'm optimistic!

Since this is a blog about weight issues, should I mention I bought a bag of truffles and ate three this evening. Chocolate is supposed to be healthy, right? Hum, do I expect this blog to be like some kind of Catholic confession? By publishing my sin, am I absolved? Will the calories vanish? Guess I need to work out more than just physical issues.

In the swim

I posted the following status on facebook today: Finally reached that point in life when age and physical discomfort override insecurity and vanity. Put my swimsuit on and swam laps for an hour at the Arcata pool. Felt wonderful!

I got a surprising number of "likes" and comments in response. Guess it struck a cord with people.

It actually was a big deal. I'm very insecure and self-conscious, in a "don't show yourself" "have some shame" kind of way. I actually love the water and swimming. But all my life it's been creeks, rivers, lakes - in cut-offs and in relative seclusion. None of that uppity public pool/swimsuit stuff for me. Add to that the fact I'm now old and my skin can't really tolerate the sun. If I ease into exposure I will still tan. Unfortunately, when the tan fades, it leaves liver spots (brownish patches.) NOT very appealing. As a consequence, I'm flat out pasty white. Even my hair is now white. Well, ok, salt and pepper, but heavy on the salt. Last time I tried swimming in a pool my hair took on a definite greenish tinge. Someone suggested it was from chemicals in the water. I've avoided pools completely since then.

My sister participates in a diabetes program at a local clinic. They provide several physical activity options for participants. Since I'm the only sibling out of 5 that is not diabetic, she told them I'm bound to be at least "pre-diabetic" and I need the exercise. Knock on wood about diabetes, but I definitely have to agree I need exercise. At any rate, turns out they offer lap swimming at a local pool twice a week. I was invited to attend. My body has been very stiff and locked up lately. After sitting, it takes me a bit to stand straight. When I first stand up I walk hunched forward while my body slowly shifts into an upright position. Pretty pitiful. So, when the time came, I found some swim shorts and a top, stuffed a towel in a bag and headed to the pool.

So there I am in the ladies locker room with a bunch of naked and half-naked women walking around me. Whatever. I planned ahead and just had to slip on my shorts while still wearing a cover-up. Then it was just take off the cover-up and I was ready to swim. As a precaution, I got my hair wet in the showers to minimize it sucking up green tinted chemicals.

I was only one of three people who showed up for the session. That was good. I learned the pool has some special light filter system that minimizes use of chemicals. That was good. I swam and stretched for a solid hour. That was good. My spine and neck still hurt suggesting I might be due for a trip to the chiropractor, but I definitely feel better than before I went. I don't think I will ever be one of those women walking around naked in the locker room, but I definitely think I'll swim again!

Round and Round

Interesting, it was August when we started phase 1. It's now October. As we always do, we lost a solid 10 pounds in the two weeks we were on phase 1 of the South Beach Diet. I felt ever so much better and clothes started fitting again. Then we moved to phase 2 where we introduce fruit and grains. Things went ok for a little while. Then, as we always do, we started slipping and splurging. First the exercise bit the dust - I had a cold, an issue with my eye, poison oak, reason after reason (excuse) not to exercise. Hubby likes wine. A nice glass of wine with dinner once in a while can't hurt, right? (!) Then we got busy and, "Heck, it's late let's just order a pizza to go with our wine." Oddly, pizza is edible when one eats healthy. Mexican food, not so much. It pretty much makes me sick. Likewise, the salt in Chinese food makes me puff up like a balloon.

Even with the slow slide, things have been holding pretty study weight wise. No loss, but no real gain either. Then, we traveled to the Bay Area and ate out for three days in a row. I'll give myself a couple days to recover before I assess the damage that was done. But at this juncture I'd say I'm square in the middle of my usual (unhealthy) circular dieting pattern. So, definitely, after we stuff our faces on a gourmet meal tonight, I'm getting diciplined with my diet. (Believable?)

Did I mention my spine is killing me. From the low back all the way up to the base of my skull, my back is locked-up and hurts. My spine, the major energy channel in my body is screaming at me to EXERCISE. Get out and move, stretch, bend, release, relax . . .

I'll keep you posted. Tomorrow is the first day of the rest of my life. I'm due for change.

Deflation

It will be one week tomorrow that I've been on phase 1 of the South Beach diet. I've lost 6 pounds and eaten a frig full of green things. I not only feel healthier, I actually feel energy moving through my body. Odd.

I'm excited about not being uncomfortable. I put my jeans on this morning and it did not hurt my gut to button them. I don't know how much actual fat I've lost, but I am clearly not as bloated as I have otherwise been of late. That's particularly nice since the last couple days were a bit challenging. I felt hungry and missed, or I guess I could say "craved", some of those BAD foods I have habitually stuffed myself with. Seeing and feeling results allows me to stay the course. I feel like my belly is a big balloon the diet has made a small pin prick in. The air is slowly seeping out allowing an actual shape to emerge (other than round.)

As an aside, my granddaughter just finished up a week of surf camp that I gifted her as a birthday present. She LOVE, LOVE, LOVED it! 13 year old girl in a bikini and wet suit. (This is Cali, but it's far northern Cali. The water is kill you cold up here and requires a wet suit.) Having more than our fair share of fatties in the family, I commented to granddaughter that I really admire her comfort with her body. Bikinis and wetsuits are not part of my experience. She, on the other hand is not simply a slim 13 year old girl, she is buff. Willowy but very athletic, she is also agile and fast as lightening. She plays basketball, softball, and soccer. Last year she was recruited to play football for the first time. That was going to be her one and only foray into football but she is fast and ended up recruited to play for another year. Even though she has "developed" and is a very fetching adolescent, she is impressively secure and comfortable in her body. She is aware of and takes some pride in her body, but not at all in a self-conscious (insecure) way. She relates to all her teammates from a position of equality. And she enjoys the physical challenges of her sports. All week this amazing girl surfed from 9 a.m. to 3 p.m. and then went to football hell week practice at 5 p.m. Did I say amazing. Needless to say, she does not have a weight problem. She was wiped out by the end of the day, but each morning she slipped into her wet suit, paddled her board, jumped to her feet . . . These are things I could never even dream of. She not only does them, she enjoys them. Inspiring!

Going South

It's been a hectic year. As usual, I did what I usually do when things get crazy. I went crazy. For 8 months I have been stuck in my head, obsessing over tasks, activities and challenges. The first thing to bite the dust when I go crazy is "me." Attention to healthy eating, exercise, rest - all of it went flying out the window. Now, 8 months later, I'm tired, flabby and distracted.

I'm in a quiet phase. Yes, I've got some tasks to attend to in the near future, but right this moment there is nothing that qualifies as a burning issue. So it seems that now is the time to regroup and get on track. I am doing this by exercising, walking and going back to Curves a few times per week. I also started phase 1 of the South Beach diet yesterday. I am committed to the full 10 day program. Oddly, I find I am both sleepy and energized. I've done this eating plan before. About 3 years ago I lost 30 pounds in about 3 months. Since then wine and pizza and other fat foods helped me find half of those pounds. I'm looking forward to losing another 30, minimum.

The first time I did South Beach it was really expensive because the diet calls for fresh ingredients, spices, and foods I had never really eaten. This time I find I have integrated many of these foods into my regular diet. Hence, it is not as challenging to cook the meals or follow the meal plans. Cooking with and eating fresh foods automatically makes the process of eating a more conscious activity. Nothing is "fast." It must all be washed, peeled, sliced, cooked . . . One ends up more involved with food, even though the calories involved are drastically reduced. Even as I type this blog, I can still smell fresh lime on my hands and taste the fresh watery crunch of celery stalks. Yep, that's what the South Beach diet is like - fresh lime and cool crisp celery. Kind of nice. Refreshing.

Fast!

Tomorrow my granddaughter begins conditioning for her coming of age ceremony. As her grandmother I will be responsible for guiding and assisting her in her transition to adulthood. I JUST this evening completed a truly beautiful and elaborate ceremonial dress for her, with a little help from many friends and relatives who harvested and processed natural materials used in the design. It's been a hectic but very cool process. I worked like a maniac for the past two weeks - 12+ hour days to assemble the dress. We've been processing abalone, pine nuts, bear grass, fern, buckskin . . . for years. It has been a really wonderful endeavor.

The actually ceremony will take place at a traditional village site for three days, beginning next Thursday and finishing up Sunday after intermittent dances that will last throughout the night. Tomorrow we begin preparing by moving her out of her regular home routine and in with her grandparents. She and I begin a modified fast - one meal a day, supplemented only with acorn water and huckleberry juice. I'm actually looking forward to getting my eating under control, although I know it will be challenging. Why? Well, I'll have to go through coffee withdrawals for one. For two, my eating is currently completely out of control. Knowing I won't eat until around 4 or 5 tomorrow, I prepared by stuffing my face to the point of feeling sick. Hubby cooked shrimp pizza and I ate twice as much as him, then chased it down with some ice cream. I was soooo full I couldn't even think of going to bed. So I've been cleaning house since midnight. I'm still stuffed! Hopefully by the time I'm done cleaning the kitchen I'll have digested enough food to be able to sleep. Hopefully.

We LOST! Well, ok, HE lost. But it was a loss for me and everyone who worked on the campaign. AND, worst of all, it was completely unjust. He truly was the very best candidate. Our political system is broken. It's not about policy, it's not even about government. It's about fricken messaging - to disinterested people age 65 and older who don't pay the least bit of attention. Man, we get the government we deserve. Well, YOU get the government you deserve. I deserve better and so does my hubby. Of course there were good things about the experience. And we finished without incuring debt - a big deal given how expensive political campaigns are these days. Thanks for that. I don't even have time to process things. I'm on to ceremonies, contracts, classes, life. Sooo much to do, so little time.

Well I did take a minute to process this evening. Yep, you guessed it, I expressed my emotions via food. Feeling tired, even a bit depressed, and stressed as always I followed my completely filling and healthy dinner with wine and potatoe chips - salty, greasy, and crunch, crunch, crunchy! The food of angry disappointment. It felt good to eat those chips. Crunch, crunch, crunch.

It's too late baby

It's officially tomorrow. A very bad habit we have developed during the rush and stress of the campaign is eating too late at night - dinner at 9 p.m. Then I sit and watch TV and around 11 decide I want dessert. (I need to just go throw the freakin ice cream in the trash.) Oh, and we usually have a glass of wine with dinner. The wine seems to knock the hubby out. Mostly it just gives me heartburn. Well, maybe it's not the wine. Maybe it's the ice cream with walnuts. Or maybe it's the massive amount of dinner I eat way too late before stuffing myself with dessert. Whatever in the hell it is, I am too full and uncomfortable to go to bed or to sleep. I find if I take a couple of antacids I don't wake up sick to my stomach in the middle of the night. I wonder how many calories those things have?

Anyway, because I have all this food sitting in my gut, I end up watching TV or sitting at the computer playing games until way too late and then sleeping in late. It's all a very unhealthy circle.

I think the time has come to get a grip. Tomorrow I'm going to make a plan. I need to schedule time to set out definite activities for the next two weeks. Those activities need to include exercise. So say I.

Now it's off to the cupboard for antacids and then to bed.

Exercise

Campaigning is stressful and very demanding. There are days I sit down at the computer in the morning and I'm still doing office work at 8 p.m. But last night we had a fundraiser that included an oldies dance band. Since I'm the candidate's wife, instead of sitting at the back table passively watching what everyone else is doing, I got out and danced - helping to liven up the evening. I must have danced for at least two solid hours! I was "dressed up" so I had shoes with a small heel on them. That was just enough to stress my knees. So today not only where my leg muscles sore, my knees hurt. AND, I had to get up and go meet up with a bunch of family volunteers to go walk precincts. We walked for at least four hours. By the time I got to the cement floors of Costco to do some quick grocery shopping before heading home to cook dinner for visitors, my legs felt like jelly and my knees HURT. It was too much really. But I have to say, if I keep this up, I'm going to end up getting fit. Even a small county is big when you're walking the entire thing street by street.

Spot light dance

My husband is running for political office. Is that an experience! Anyway, on Friday we have a BIG political fundraiser. (At least we hope so. The only thing worse than a big fundraiser is a fundraiser that no one shows up for.) The evening involves an hour of hobnobbing followed by a oldies dance band. I hear we're supposed to do a "spotlight dance" at some point in the evening. When you are the political spouse, you just do it - - like it or not. At some point I have to start looking for clothes that fit and that are flattering enough to get me through a fricken minute or three in a spotlight. I'm not sure I even have clothes that fit. Man it sucks to be fat!

It was a rough day. Too busy, too many babies and kids to tend to, too many tasks to get done, too many disappointments. Finally, at around 8 p.m. everyone was gone.

I made a steak sandwich for a late dinner. I used healthy low cal multigrain bread and put lots of nice veggies on my sandwich. I opened a bag of ridged potato chips, which I enjoy with a beef sandwich. Yes, they are fattening, but after a day like today I decided I deserved them. To my great disappointment, the large handful of chips I dropped onto my plate were orange. Oh, Man - barbeque. I like good old fashioned plain ridged potato chips with salt. Lightly salted is ok too. But barbeque, Yuck! Fake flavor, fake color - Yuck!!

This is how I know I have an eating disorder. I hate barbeque potatoe chips. I ate them anyway!

It wasn't the flavor, the fake flavor is offensive. But there's something about eating those ridges. I crunch away at each ridge, starting at one side of the chip and chipping away along a single ridge with my front teeth until I reach the opposite side, then I return to the starting side of the chip. It's kind of like an old fashion typewriter - click letters until you reach the edge of the page and then hit return.

It was not about the taste, but I did get satisfaction out of the chunching ritual. I'm thinking I'd be a lot slimmer if, instead of eating when I'm angry, I just punched somebody.

Ok, maybe not the best plan. I'll keep thinking about it.

I know I was angry by the time I finally had dinner.

Don's Donuts.

My son was once talking with his friends about food. They were imagining the worst food on earth. One of his buddies said, "take sugar, mix it with a little white flour and deep fry it." My son said, "you just described a donut."

And if it's a donut from Don's Donuts, not only is it deep fried sugar, it's also covered in thick maple or chocolate frosting that melts to the shape of the donut. They also do a nice glaze as well. As donuts go, Don's are pretty good. In fact, they are the best donuts I've ever tasted. We have a bit of a tradition on grand kid birthdays. We call it a breakfast donut cake. It's a Don's cinnamon role plopped in the center of a plate and ringed all the way around with donut holes. It barely fits on a large dinner plate. If you get the cinnamon role frosted with maple or chocolate, it's one honkin plate full of sugar. Fortunately the little guy is too little to know or care about this "tradition." Unfortunately, because the older grandkids did really good today in their basketball games, my husband treated them by buying donuts. I haven't had a donut in a while. Tonight I had two. Good going down but not so good once down. I knew this when I ate them.

I don't actually like the aftertaste of processed sugar mixed with grease. I think it's like Adam Lambert. On the one hand initially very appealing, on the other - when you really think about it, not very appetizing.