We're traveling for this "holiday." Yeah, it's a fantasy holiday based on a lie about Pilgrims and Indians but it is an occasion to get together with family and friends and share a big meal. We'll be traveling to the Bay Area to visit my hubby's family. Among other things, that means I do not have to cook or host. Yay! I'm truly thankful for that and happy. While we are there, we'll be going to the city to see all those famous impressionist paintings on loan from Paris. Who hasn't seen a poster of Starry Night? Well, now we get to see the original. Yet again, thankful and happy.
On the health front, I continue to swim and I have dropped about 7 pounds on South Beach phase 1. I'm moving on in phases but resolved to stick with healthy eating and the good feelings it produces. Plus, combined with swimming, I dropped inches from my torso and will be donating a bag of my biggest clothes. Woo hoo! Very happy. Healthy eating combined with exercise has made a dramatic impact on my general health. Not only am I not stiff and in pain, I feel -- Good.
Yesterday I spent the day with my granddaughter at her basketball tournament. I sat on bleachers for hours and after each game I was able to stand straight and walk. Sounds simple, but I couldn't have done it just three short weeks ago. Could not have even done it.
Between games we browsed at a Christmas craft fair and had lunch together. It was not phase I but I had a turkey burger on wheat and a salad. Plus, I shared the turkey burger with my granddaughter so she would have some protein to go with the fruit stuffed french toast she ordered. It was a good lunch and a very pleasant visit with a beautiful young lady. I had a wonderful day and I'm thankful.
Sunday, November 21, 2010
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
Working things out
I'm in my 4th week of swimming. I definitely believe it is beneficial. For one thing, I motivated my bump on a log hubby to join me. He's just recovered from some health issues and sits at his computer at work most of the day. He definitely needs to do some kind of exercise. He decided to join me and says he immediately felt benefits.
I too feel benefits. After the first couple sessions tension in my neck and shoulders eased up, along with the pain that goes with it. Unfortunately, my body contorts to maintain functionality. I upset the apple cart. When the upper tension relaxed, the lower magnified. By the end of the second week, by low back was so locked up I literally could not stand up straight. So I decided to visit the chiropractor. She worked my entire spine over pretty good. Everywhere she touched hurt and after it continued to hurt, but I was able to stand upright. I kept swimming. Yesterday I went for a follow-up adjustment and today I swam again. I'm still not 100% but I do think my body is working things out. I'm optimistic!
Since this is a blog about weight issues, should I mention I bought a bag of truffles and ate three this evening. Chocolate is supposed to be healthy, right? Hum, do I expect this blog to be like some kind of Catholic confession? By publishing my sin, am I absolved? Will the calories vanish? Guess I need to work out more than just physical issues.
I too feel benefits. After the first couple sessions tension in my neck and shoulders eased up, along with the pain that goes with it. Unfortunately, my body contorts to maintain functionality. I upset the apple cart. When the upper tension relaxed, the lower magnified. By the end of the second week, by low back was so locked up I literally could not stand up straight. So I decided to visit the chiropractor. She worked my entire spine over pretty good. Everywhere she touched hurt and after it continued to hurt, but I was able to stand upright. I kept swimming. Yesterday I went for a follow-up adjustment and today I swam again. I'm still not 100% but I do think my body is working things out. I'm optimistic!
Since this is a blog about weight issues, should I mention I bought a bag of truffles and ate three this evening. Chocolate is supposed to be healthy, right? Hum, do I expect this blog to be like some kind of Catholic confession? By publishing my sin, am I absolved? Will the calories vanish? Guess I need to work out more than just physical issues.
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
In the swim
I posted the following status on facebook today: Finally reached that point in life when age and physical discomfort override insecurity and vanity. Put my swimsuit on and swam laps for an hour at the Arcata pool. Felt wonderful!
I got a surprising number of "likes" and comments in response. Guess it struck a cord with people.
It actually was a big deal. I'm very insecure and self-conscious, in a "don't show yourself" "have some shame" kind of way. I actually love the water and swimming. But all my life it's been creeks, rivers, lakes - in cut-offs and in relative seclusion. None of that uppity public pool/swimsuit stuff for me. Add to that the fact I'm now old and my skin can't really tolerate the sun. If I ease into exposure I will still tan. Unfortunately, when the tan fades, it leaves liver spots (brownish patches.) NOT very appealing. As a consequence, I'm flat out pasty white. Even my hair is now white. Well, ok, salt and pepper, but heavy on the salt. Last time I tried swimming in a pool my hair took on a definite greenish tinge. Someone suggested it was from chemicals in the water. I've avoided pools completely since then.
My sister participates in a diabetes program at a local clinic. They provide several physical activity options for participants. Since I'm the only sibling out of 5 that is not diabetic, she told them I'm bound to be at least "pre-diabetic" and I need the exercise. Knock on wood about diabetes, but I definitely have to agree I need exercise. At any rate, turns out they offer lap swimming at a local pool twice a week. I was invited to attend. My body has been very stiff and locked up lately. After sitting, it takes me a bit to stand straight. When I first stand up I walk hunched forward while my body slowly shifts into an upright position. Pretty pitiful. So, when the time came, I found some swim shorts and a top, stuffed a towel in a bag and headed to the pool.
So there I am in the ladies locker room with a bunch of naked and half-naked women walking around me. Whatever. I planned ahead and just had to slip on my shorts while still wearing a cover-up. Then it was just take off the cover-up and I was ready to swim. As a precaution, I got my hair wet in the showers to minimize it sucking up green tinted chemicals.
I was only one of three people who showed up for the session. That was good. I learned the pool has some special light filter system that minimizes use of chemicals. That was good. I swam and stretched for a solid hour. That was good. My spine and neck still hurt suggesting I might be due for a trip to the chiropractor, but I definitely feel better than before I went. I don't think I will ever be one of those women walking around naked in the locker room, but I definitely think I'll swim again!
I got a surprising number of "likes" and comments in response. Guess it struck a cord with people.
It actually was a big deal. I'm very insecure and self-conscious, in a "don't show yourself" "have some shame" kind of way. I actually love the water and swimming. But all my life it's been creeks, rivers, lakes - in cut-offs and in relative seclusion. None of that uppity public pool/swimsuit stuff for me. Add to that the fact I'm now old and my skin can't really tolerate the sun. If I ease into exposure I will still tan. Unfortunately, when the tan fades, it leaves liver spots (brownish patches.) NOT very appealing. As a consequence, I'm flat out pasty white. Even my hair is now white. Well, ok, salt and pepper, but heavy on the salt. Last time I tried swimming in a pool my hair took on a definite greenish tinge. Someone suggested it was from chemicals in the water. I've avoided pools completely since then.
My sister participates in a diabetes program at a local clinic. They provide several physical activity options for participants. Since I'm the only sibling out of 5 that is not diabetic, she told them I'm bound to be at least "pre-diabetic" and I need the exercise. Knock on wood about diabetes, but I definitely have to agree I need exercise. At any rate, turns out they offer lap swimming at a local pool twice a week. I was invited to attend. My body has been very stiff and locked up lately. After sitting, it takes me a bit to stand straight. When I first stand up I walk hunched forward while my body slowly shifts into an upright position. Pretty pitiful. So, when the time came, I found some swim shorts and a top, stuffed a towel in a bag and headed to the pool.
So there I am in the ladies locker room with a bunch of naked and half-naked women walking around me. Whatever. I planned ahead and just had to slip on my shorts while still wearing a cover-up. Then it was just take off the cover-up and I was ready to swim. As a precaution, I got my hair wet in the showers to minimize it sucking up green tinted chemicals.
I was only one of three people who showed up for the session. That was good. I learned the pool has some special light filter system that minimizes use of chemicals. That was good. I swam and stretched for a solid hour. That was good. My spine and neck still hurt suggesting I might be due for a trip to the chiropractor, but I definitely feel better than before I went. I don't think I will ever be one of those women walking around naked in the locker room, but I definitely think I'll swim again!
Sunday, October 3, 2010
Round and Round
Interesting, it was August when we started phase 1. It's now October. As we always do, we lost a solid 10 pounds in the two weeks we were on phase 1 of the South Beach Diet. I felt ever so much better and clothes started fitting again. Then we moved to phase 2 where we introduce fruit and grains. Things went ok for a little while. Then, as we always do, we started slipping and splurging. First the exercise bit the dust - I had a cold, an issue with my eye, poison oak, reason after reason (excuse) not to exercise. Hubby likes wine. A nice glass of wine with dinner once in a while can't hurt, right? (!) Then we got busy and, "Heck, it's late let's just order a pizza to go with our wine." Oddly, pizza is edible when one eats healthy. Mexican food, not so much. It pretty much makes me sick. Likewise, the salt in Chinese food makes me puff up like a balloon.
Even with the slow slide, things have been holding pretty study weight wise. No loss, but no real gain either. Then, we traveled to the Bay Area and ate out for three days in a row. I'll give myself a couple days to recover before I assess the damage that was done. But at this juncture I'd say I'm square in the middle of my usual (unhealthy) circular dieting pattern. So, definitely, after we stuff our faces on a gourmet meal tonight, I'm getting diciplined with my diet. (Believable?)
Did I mention my spine is killing me. From the low back all the way up to the base of my skull, my back is locked-up and hurts. My spine, the major energy channel in my body is screaming at me to EXERCISE. Get out and move, stretch, bend, release, relax . . .
I'll keep you posted. Tomorrow is the first day of the rest of my life. I'm due for change.
Even with the slow slide, things have been holding pretty study weight wise. No loss, but no real gain either. Then, we traveled to the Bay Area and ate out for three days in a row. I'll give myself a couple days to recover before I assess the damage that was done. But at this juncture I'd say I'm square in the middle of my usual (unhealthy) circular dieting pattern. So, definitely, after we stuff our faces on a gourmet meal tonight, I'm getting diciplined with my diet. (Believable?)
Did I mention my spine is killing me. From the low back all the way up to the base of my skull, my back is locked-up and hurts. My spine, the major energy channel in my body is screaming at me to EXERCISE. Get out and move, stretch, bend, release, relax . . .
I'll keep you posted. Tomorrow is the first day of the rest of my life. I'm due for change.
Saturday, August 7, 2010
Deflation
It will be one week tomorrow that I've been on phase 1 of the South Beach diet. I've lost 6 pounds and eaten a frig full of green things. I not only feel healthier, I actually feel energy moving through my body. Odd.
I'm excited about not being uncomfortable. I put my jeans on this morning and it did not hurt my gut to button them. I don't know how much actual fat I've lost, but I am clearly not as bloated as I have otherwise been of late. That's particularly nice since the last couple days were a bit challenging. I felt hungry and missed, or I guess I could say "craved", some of those BAD foods I have habitually stuffed myself with. Seeing and feeling results allows me to stay the course. I feel like my belly is a big balloon the diet has made a small pin prick in. The air is slowly seeping out allowing an actual shape to emerge (other than round.)
As an aside, my granddaughter just finished up a week of surf camp that I gifted her as a birthday present. She LOVE, LOVE, LOVED it! 13 year old girl in a bikini and wet suit. (This is Cali, but it's far northern Cali. The water is kill you cold up here and requires a wet suit.) Having more than our fair share of fatties in the family, I commented to granddaughter that I really admire her comfort with her body. Bikinis and wetsuits are not part of my experience. She, on the other hand is not simply a slim 13 year old girl, she is buff. Willowy but very athletic, she is also agile and fast as lightening. She plays basketball, softball, and soccer. Last year she was recruited to play football for the first time. That was going to be her one and only foray into football but she is fast and ended up recruited to play for another year. Even though she has "developed" and is a very fetching adolescent, she is impressively secure and comfortable in her body. She is aware of and takes some pride in her body, but not at all in a self-conscious (insecure) way. She relates to all her teammates from a position of equality. And she enjoys the physical challenges of her sports. All week this amazing girl surfed from 9 a.m. to 3 p.m. and then went to football hell week practice at 5 p.m. Did I say amazing. Needless to say, she does not have a weight problem. She was wiped out by the end of the day, but each morning she slipped into her wet suit, paddled her board, jumped to her feet . . . These are things I could never even dream of. She not only does them, she enjoys them. Inspiring!
I'm excited about not being uncomfortable. I put my jeans on this morning and it did not hurt my gut to button them. I don't know how much actual fat I've lost, but I am clearly not as bloated as I have otherwise been of late. That's particularly nice since the last couple days were a bit challenging. I felt hungry and missed, or I guess I could say "craved", some of those BAD foods I have habitually stuffed myself with. Seeing and feeling results allows me to stay the course. I feel like my belly is a big balloon the diet has made a small pin prick in. The air is slowly seeping out allowing an actual shape to emerge (other than round.)
As an aside, my granddaughter just finished up a week of surf camp that I gifted her as a birthday present. She LOVE, LOVE, LOVED it! 13 year old girl in a bikini and wet suit. (This is Cali, but it's far northern Cali. The water is kill you cold up here and requires a wet suit.) Having more than our fair share of fatties in the family, I commented to granddaughter that I really admire her comfort with her body. Bikinis and wetsuits are not part of my experience. She, on the other hand is not simply a slim 13 year old girl, she is buff. Willowy but very athletic, she is also agile and fast as lightening. She plays basketball, softball, and soccer. Last year she was recruited to play football for the first time. That was going to be her one and only foray into football but she is fast and ended up recruited to play for another year. Even though she has "developed" and is a very fetching adolescent, she is impressively secure and comfortable in her body. She is aware of and takes some pride in her body, but not at all in a self-conscious (insecure) way. She relates to all her teammates from a position of equality. And she enjoys the physical challenges of her sports. All week this amazing girl surfed from 9 a.m. to 3 p.m. and then went to football hell week practice at 5 p.m. Did I say amazing. Needless to say, she does not have a weight problem. She was wiped out by the end of the day, but each morning she slipped into her wet suit, paddled her board, jumped to her feet . . . These are things I could never even dream of. She not only does them, she enjoys them. Inspiring!
Monday, August 2, 2010
Going South
It's been a hectic year. As usual, I did what I usually do when things get crazy. I went crazy. For 8 months I have been stuck in my head, obsessing over tasks, activities and challenges. The first thing to bite the dust when I go crazy is "me." Attention to healthy eating, exercise, rest - all of it went flying out the window. Now, 8 months later, I'm tired, flabby and distracted.
I'm in a quiet phase. Yes, I've got some tasks to attend to in the near future, but right this moment there is nothing that qualifies as a burning issue. So it seems that now is the time to regroup and get on track. I am doing this by exercising, walking and going back to Curves a few times per week. I also started phase 1 of the South Beach diet yesterday. I am committed to the full 10 day program. Oddly, I find I am both sleepy and energized. I've done this eating plan before. About 3 years ago I lost 30 pounds in about 3 months. Since then wine and pizza and other fat foods helped me find half of those pounds. I'm looking forward to losing another 30, minimum.
The first time I did South Beach it was really expensive because the diet calls for fresh ingredients, spices, and foods I had never really eaten. This time I find I have integrated many of these foods into my regular diet. Hence, it is not as challenging to cook the meals or follow the meal plans. Cooking with and eating fresh foods automatically makes the process of eating a more conscious activity. Nothing is "fast." It must all be washed, peeled, sliced, cooked . . . One ends up more involved with food, even though the calories involved are drastically reduced. Even as I type this blog, I can still smell fresh lime on my hands and taste the fresh watery crunch of celery stalks. Yep, that's what the South Beach diet is like - fresh lime and cool crisp celery. Kind of nice. Refreshing.
I'm in a quiet phase. Yes, I've got some tasks to attend to in the near future, but right this moment there is nothing that qualifies as a burning issue. So it seems that now is the time to regroup and get on track. I am doing this by exercising, walking and going back to Curves a few times per week. I also started phase 1 of the South Beach diet yesterday. I am committed to the full 10 day program. Oddly, I find I am both sleepy and energized. I've done this eating plan before. About 3 years ago I lost 30 pounds in about 3 months. Since then wine and pizza and other fat foods helped me find half of those pounds. I'm looking forward to losing another 30, minimum.
The first time I did South Beach it was really expensive because the diet calls for fresh ingredients, spices, and foods I had never really eaten. This time I find I have integrated many of these foods into my regular diet. Hence, it is not as challenging to cook the meals or follow the meal plans. Cooking with and eating fresh foods automatically makes the process of eating a more conscious activity. Nothing is "fast." It must all be washed, peeled, sliced, cooked . . . One ends up more involved with food, even though the calories involved are drastically reduced. Even as I type this blog, I can still smell fresh lime on my hands and taste the fresh watery crunch of celery stalks. Yep, that's what the South Beach diet is like - fresh lime and cool crisp celery. Kind of nice. Refreshing.
Monday, July 12, 2010
Fast!
Tomorrow my granddaughter begins conditioning for her coming of age ceremony. As her grandmother I will be responsible for guiding and assisting her in her transition to adulthood. I JUST this evening completed a truly beautiful and elaborate ceremonial dress for her, with a little help from many friends and relatives who harvested and processed natural materials used in the design. It's been a hectic but very cool process. I worked like a maniac for the past two weeks - 12+ hour days to assemble the dress. We've been processing abalone, pine nuts, bear grass, fern, buckskin . . . for years. It has been a really wonderful endeavor.
The actually ceremony will take place at a traditional village site for three days, beginning next Thursday and finishing up Sunday after intermittent dances that will last throughout the night. Tomorrow we begin preparing by moving her out of her regular home routine and in with her grandparents. She and I begin a modified fast - one meal a day, supplemented only with acorn water and huckleberry juice. I'm actually looking forward to getting my eating under control, although I know it will be challenging. Why? Well, I'll have to go through coffee withdrawals for one. For two, my eating is currently completely out of control. Knowing I won't eat until around 4 or 5 tomorrow, I prepared by stuffing my face to the point of feeling sick. Hubby cooked shrimp pizza and I ate twice as much as him, then chased it down with some ice cream. I was soooo full I couldn't even think of going to bed. So I've been cleaning house since midnight. I'm still stuffed! Hopefully by the time I'm done cleaning the kitchen I'll have digested enough food to be able to sleep. Hopefully.
The actually ceremony will take place at a traditional village site for three days, beginning next Thursday and finishing up Sunday after intermittent dances that will last throughout the night. Tomorrow we begin preparing by moving her out of her regular home routine and in with her grandparents. She and I begin a modified fast - one meal a day, supplemented only with acorn water and huckleberry juice. I'm actually looking forward to getting my eating under control, although I know it will be challenging. Why? Well, I'll have to go through coffee withdrawals for one. For two, my eating is currently completely out of control. Knowing I won't eat until around 4 or 5 tomorrow, I prepared by stuffing my face to the point of feeling sick. Hubby cooked shrimp pizza and I ate twice as much as him, then chased it down with some ice cream. I was soooo full I couldn't even think of going to bed. So I've been cleaning house since midnight. I'm still stuffed! Hopefully by the time I'm done cleaning the kitchen I'll have digested enough food to be able to sleep. Hopefully.
Friday, June 11, 2010
We LOST! Well, ok, HE lost. But it was a loss for me and everyone who worked on the campaign. AND, worst of all, it was completely unjust. He truly was the very best candidate. Our political system is broken. It's not about policy, it's not even about government. It's about fricken messaging - to disinterested people age 65 and older who don't pay the least bit of attention. Man, we get the government we deserve. Well, YOU get the government you deserve. I deserve better and so does my hubby. Of course there were good things about the experience. And we finished without incuring debt - a big deal given how expensive political campaigns are these days. Thanks for that. I don't even have time to process things. I'm on to ceremonies, contracts, classes, life. Sooo much to do, so little time.
Well I did take a minute to process this evening. Yep, you guessed it, I expressed my emotions via food. Feeling tired, even a bit depressed, and stressed as always I followed my completely filling and healthy dinner with wine and potatoe chips - salty, greasy, and crunch, crunch, crunchy! The food of angry disappointment. It felt good to eat those chips. Crunch, crunch, crunch.
Well I did take a minute to process this evening. Yep, you guessed it, I expressed my emotions via food. Feeling tired, even a bit depressed, and stressed as always I followed my completely filling and healthy dinner with wine and potatoe chips - salty, greasy, and crunch, crunch, crunchy! The food of angry disappointment. It felt good to eat those chips. Crunch, crunch, crunch.
Saturday, May 22, 2010
It's too late baby
It's officially tomorrow. A very bad habit we have developed during the rush and stress of the campaign is eating too late at night - dinner at 9 p.m. Then I sit and watch TV and around 11 decide I want dessert. (I need to just go throw the freakin ice cream in the trash.) Oh, and we usually have a glass of wine with dinner. The wine seems to knock the hubby out. Mostly it just gives me heartburn. Well, maybe it's not the wine. Maybe it's the ice cream with walnuts. Or maybe it's the massive amount of dinner I eat way too late before stuffing myself with dessert. Whatever in the hell it is, I am too full and uncomfortable to go to bed or to sleep. I find if I take a couple of antacids I don't wake up sick to my stomach in the middle of the night. I wonder how many calories those things have?
Anyway, because I have all this food sitting in my gut, I end up watching TV or sitting at the computer playing games until way too late and then sleeping in late. It's all a very unhealthy circle.
I think the time has come to get a grip. Tomorrow I'm going to make a plan. I need to schedule time to set out definite activities for the next two weeks. Those activities need to include exercise. So say I.
Now it's off to the cupboard for antacids and then to bed.
Anyway, because I have all this food sitting in my gut, I end up watching TV or sitting at the computer playing games until way too late and then sleeping in late. It's all a very unhealthy circle.
I think the time has come to get a grip. Tomorrow I'm going to make a plan. I need to schedule time to set out definite activities for the next two weeks. Those activities need to include exercise. So say I.
Now it's off to the cupboard for antacids and then to bed.
Saturday, April 17, 2010
Exercise
Campaigning is stressful and very demanding. There are days I sit down at the computer in the morning and I'm still doing office work at 8 p.m. But last night we had a fundraiser that included an oldies dance band. Since I'm the candidate's wife, instead of sitting at the back table passively watching what everyone else is doing, I got out and danced - helping to liven up the evening. I must have danced for at least two solid hours! I was "dressed up" so I had shoes with a small heel on them. That was just enough to stress my knees. So today not only where my leg muscles sore, my knees hurt. AND, I had to get up and go meet up with a bunch of family volunteers to go walk precincts. We walked for at least four hours. By the time I got to the cement floors of Costco to do some quick grocery shopping before heading home to cook dinner for visitors, my legs felt like jelly and my knees HURT. It was too much really. But I have to say, if I keep this up, I'm going to end up getting fit. Even a small county is big when you're walking the entire thing street by street.
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
Spot light dance
My husband is running for political office. Is that an experience! Anyway, on Friday we have a BIG political fundraiser. (At least we hope so. The only thing worse than a big fundraiser is a fundraiser that no one shows up for.) The evening involves an hour of hobnobbing followed by a oldies dance band. I hear we're supposed to do a "spotlight dance" at some point in the evening. When you are the political spouse, you just do it - - like it or not. At some point I have to start looking for clothes that fit and that are flattering enough to get me through a fricken minute or three in a spotlight. I'm not sure I even have clothes that fit. Man it sucks to be fat!
Sunday, March 28, 2010
It was a rough day. Too busy, too many babies and kids to tend to, too many tasks to get done, too many disappointments. Finally, at around 8 p.m. everyone was gone.
I made a steak sandwich for a late dinner. I used healthy low cal multigrain bread and put lots of nice veggies on my sandwich. I opened a bag of ridged potato chips, which I enjoy with a beef sandwich. Yes, they are fattening, but after a day like today I decided I deserved them. To my great disappointment, the large handful of chips I dropped onto my plate were orange. Oh, Man - barbeque. I like good old fashioned plain ridged potato chips with salt. Lightly salted is ok too. But barbeque, Yuck! Fake flavor, fake color - Yuck!!
This is how I know I have an eating disorder. I hate barbeque potatoe chips. I ate them anyway!
It wasn't the flavor, the fake flavor is offensive. But there's something about eating those ridges. I crunch away at each ridge, starting at one side of the chip and chipping away along a single ridge with my front teeth until I reach the opposite side, then I return to the starting side of the chip. It's kind of like an old fashion typewriter - click letters until you reach the edge of the page and then hit return.
It was not about the taste, but I did get satisfaction out of the chunching ritual. I'm thinking I'd be a lot slimmer if, instead of eating when I'm angry, I just punched somebody.
Ok, maybe not the best plan. I'll keep thinking about it.
I know I was angry by the time I finally had dinner.
I made a steak sandwich for a late dinner. I used healthy low cal multigrain bread and put lots of nice veggies on my sandwich. I opened a bag of ridged potato chips, which I enjoy with a beef sandwich. Yes, they are fattening, but after a day like today I decided I deserved them. To my great disappointment, the large handful of chips I dropped onto my plate were orange. Oh, Man - barbeque. I like good old fashioned plain ridged potato chips with salt. Lightly salted is ok too. But barbeque, Yuck! Fake flavor, fake color - Yuck!!
This is how I know I have an eating disorder. I hate barbeque potatoe chips. I ate them anyway!
It wasn't the flavor, the fake flavor is offensive. But there's something about eating those ridges. I crunch away at each ridge, starting at one side of the chip and chipping away along a single ridge with my front teeth until I reach the opposite side, then I return to the starting side of the chip. It's kind of like an old fashion typewriter - click letters until you reach the edge of the page and then hit return.
It was not about the taste, but I did get satisfaction out of the chunching ritual. I'm thinking I'd be a lot slimmer if, instead of eating when I'm angry, I just punched somebody.
Ok, maybe not the best plan. I'll keep thinking about it.
I know I was angry by the time I finally had dinner.
Saturday, February 27, 2010
Don's Donuts.
My son was once talking with his friends about food. They were imagining the worst food on earth. One of his buddies said, "take sugar, mix it with a little white flour and deep fry it." My son said, "you just described a donut."
And if it's a donut from Don's Donuts, not only is it deep fried sugar, it's also covered in thick maple or chocolate frosting that melts to the shape of the donut. They also do a nice glaze as well. As donuts go, Don's are pretty good. In fact, they are the best donuts I've ever tasted. We have a bit of a tradition on grand kid birthdays. We call it a breakfast donut cake. It's a Don's cinnamon role plopped in the center of a plate and ringed all the way around with donut holes. It barely fits on a large dinner plate. If you get the cinnamon role frosted with maple or chocolate, it's one honkin plate full of sugar. Fortunately the little guy is too little to know or care about this "tradition." Unfortunately, because the older grandkids did really good today in their basketball games, my husband treated them by buying donuts. I haven't had a donut in a while. Tonight I had two. Good going down but not so good once down. I knew this when I ate them.
I don't actually like the aftertaste of processed sugar mixed with grease. I think it's like Adam Lambert. On the one hand initially very appealing, on the other - when you really think about it, not very appetizing.
And if it's a donut from Don's Donuts, not only is it deep fried sugar, it's also covered in thick maple or chocolate frosting that melts to the shape of the donut. They also do a nice glaze as well. As donuts go, Don's are pretty good. In fact, they are the best donuts I've ever tasted. We have a bit of a tradition on grand kid birthdays. We call it a breakfast donut cake. It's a Don's cinnamon role plopped in the center of a plate and ringed all the way around with donut holes. It barely fits on a large dinner plate. If you get the cinnamon role frosted with maple or chocolate, it's one honkin plate full of sugar. Fortunately the little guy is too little to know or care about this "tradition." Unfortunately, because the older grandkids did really good today in their basketball games, my husband treated them by buying donuts. I haven't had a donut in a while. Tonight I had two. Good going down but not so good once down. I knew this when I ate them.
I don't actually like the aftertaste of processed sugar mixed with grease. I think it's like Adam Lambert. On the one hand initially very appealing, on the other - when you really think about it, not very appetizing.
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
Chocolate
It's cliche, the thing about craving chocolate. But it's also true. Today I was craving chocolate BIG TIME. Not very diet conscious of me, if I do say so.
I had to pick up some staples at the grocery store and I ended up at the store without a list. My strategy was to walk up and down the aisles hoping my memory would be jogged by what I was seeing.
[Aside. I'm a terrible speller. But really, who knows how to spell Aisle. Ile, aile . . . there are many possible letter combinations that might make sence, but no luck. I had to use a speller dictionary to find it. A-i-s-l-e. Where's the "s" come from? That's just too hard! English sucks.]
Walking up and down aisles is not a good grocery shopping strategy. (Another one of those true cliches.) When I got to the candy aisle it occurred to me I could really use some chocolate! As you have probably noticed, there is a candy display at the front of every store, up near registers. It's full of an assortment of candy bars. Too big and sugary for what I was wanting. But - the candy aisle - that's full of a big assortment of fine chocolates. I saw several that caught my fancy. Fortunatley, there is something I like more than chocoate. That something is money. I could not bring myself to spend 5+ bucks on a small bag of chocolate, I don't care how "fine" it is. I mean, the stuff isn't even good for you. So I did not succumb. I was doing good until I ran into the Easter display. It had sale items. Fine chocolate AND a sale. Deadly combination. So I ended up getting a modestly sized pack of those Ferrero Rocher chocolate covered hazel nut thingees all wrapped in gold foil. I'm a sucker for chocolate with nuts.
So far, I've eaten 4. That's probably 400 calories. (Ok, maybe a little less.) Yes, they were tasty, but really, not all that much. They leave a sugary aftertaste. I wonder if the appeal of chocolate is that it makes you feel young? How so? Well, even though I'm in my mid 50's, after four little chocolate nut balls, I can look forward to breaking out with at least a pimple or two. Kind of like being a teenager. Then I'll feel miserable. Hum, yet again, kind of like being a teenager. Makes me think - chocolate is drama. Hum, maybe that's why they say it's addictive.
I think I'll just end this blogg right here and let this simmer for a bit. Stress, craving chocolate and drama. Hum. I'm thinking it's a spiral, and not in a good way.
I had to pick up some staples at the grocery store and I ended up at the store without a list. My strategy was to walk up and down the aisles hoping my memory would be jogged by what I was seeing.
[Aside. I'm a terrible speller. But really, who knows how to spell Aisle. Ile, aile . . . there are many possible letter combinations that might make sence, but no luck. I had to use a speller dictionary to find it. A-i-s-l-e. Where's the "s" come from? That's just too hard! English sucks.]
Walking up and down aisles is not a good grocery shopping strategy. (Another one of those true cliches.) When I got to the candy aisle it occurred to me I could really use some chocolate! As you have probably noticed, there is a candy display at the front of every store, up near registers. It's full of an assortment of candy bars. Too big and sugary for what I was wanting. But - the candy aisle - that's full of a big assortment of fine chocolates. I saw several that caught my fancy. Fortunatley, there is something I like more than chocoate. That something is money. I could not bring myself to spend 5+ bucks on a small bag of chocolate, I don't care how "fine" it is. I mean, the stuff isn't even good for you. So I did not succumb. I was doing good until I ran into the Easter display. It had sale items. Fine chocolate AND a sale. Deadly combination. So I ended up getting a modestly sized pack of those Ferrero Rocher chocolate covered hazel nut thingees all wrapped in gold foil. I'm a sucker for chocolate with nuts.
So far, I've eaten 4. That's probably 400 calories. (Ok, maybe a little less.) Yes, they were tasty, but really, not all that much. They leave a sugary aftertaste. I wonder if the appeal of chocolate is that it makes you feel young? How so? Well, even though I'm in my mid 50's, after four little chocolate nut balls, I can look forward to breaking out with at least a pimple or two. Kind of like being a teenager. Then I'll feel miserable. Hum, yet again, kind of like being a teenager. Makes me think - chocolate is drama. Hum, maybe that's why they say it's addictive.
I think I'll just end this blogg right here and let this simmer for a bit. Stress, craving chocolate and drama. Hum. I'm thinking it's a spiral, and not in a good way.
Saturday, February 20, 2010
Chaos
My life is Chaos. I looked it up. "Utter confusion or disorder." Yep, that bout sums it up.
I was going good. Curves for moderate exercise, Pathways to Health for moderate attitude adjusting. Then . . . rather late in the game my husband decided to run for political office. How late? About two and a half weeks ago, well after two other candidates for his office had formally announced, developed campaign teams and strategies, and spent months politicking and fund raising. But, bottom line he was offended by the current operation of the office he is seeking and by the shallow qualifications of candidates vying to replace the retiring incumbent. So when urged to run, he decided to do it. What?!
First, we are NOT what you would call social animals. Second, other than my persistent tweeting about universal health care (I want it), we are not political animals. Ya think that might deter him? Not in the least. He started contacting basically everyone he knows and, dang, they all kept encouraging him. Then he started trying to contact politicians to identify consultants or somebody with campaign experience. Suffice it to say, the few consultant types that exist in the rural area we live in were already engaged - by our opponents. There was a moment that first week when it looked like we were facing insurmountable odds. Then, danged if he didn't connect up with a very high powered politico (hpp) who assured him it was not "too late." While too busy to consult on our campaign, hpp agreed to "advise" and lend the use of his name as a way to get calls returned. Seems politics is all about relationships. Call and leave a message in the black hole, or call and say hpp suggested I call and ta-dah, your phone rings in no time flat.
OK, as long as I'm looking up words, another one that seems to fit here is serendipity, "an aptitude for making desirable discoveries by accident." Or maybe it's fate -- the way we connected up with the big wig. It happened like this. We weren't getting anywhere with our efforts to find someone who could help us crack the old politics nut. Then my husband met with a fella who lost an election. He said if he had it to do over he'd just shell out the dough for high priced talent from out of the area like his victorious opponent hired. "Oh yeah, like who?" The answer was the guy who ended up being our very own high powered politico. Turns out he isn't from out of the area at all. He lives quietly in our own little town and cyber-works out of an office with no sign on the door. In fact, not only does he now live in our town, it turns out he grew up here. He's the son of a neighbor who lives just down our country road and he use to ride the bus with our oldest daughter 20 years ago. What are the chances of that?!
Within a week it was pretty clear that my husband was digging in and running for office. I actually felt kind of sick to my stomach at first but then I quickly got consumed by the process of trying to "get a clue" about campaigns. It was initially overwhelming, intimidating, daunting, scary, discouraging, distressing, etc. . .
I'm over feeling sick about it. No time or energy to waste on that. In the last two weeks my husband has filed his notice of intent, I became campaign treasurer and we recruited a couple of highly educated, energetic but underemployed young women to serve as campaign manager and assistant treasurer. Our candidate website and facebook account is up. We issued a press release announcing we are planning to announce (next Monday) and ended up on the evening news and in local newspapers. We have the endorsement of the mayor of the town we live in and a councilmen is on our steering committee. (One city down 4 to go in a county wide election.) We've raised almost $4,000 (about $31,000 to go) and we are all getting acclimated to talking to people and asking for things.
It's been a blur and seems it will continue to be until at least June and maybe all the way to November. In the last couple weeks, for me that blur has included writing and submitting a grant application and preparing and delivering a half-day presentation for a teacher training program on tribal sovereignty. Excellent results each time, but MAN have I been busy. Simply because all I've had time for is one of those healthy nut bar things for lunches and light dinners, I have actually lost 5 or 6 pounds. But I know I can't sustain that. Finally taking some down time today, I find I've been nurturing myself with food. Old habits die hard.
I haven't been to Curves for three weeks. I did not fulfill my weekly Pathways to Health action plan last week. This week I totally missed the last Pathways meeting. So much for exercise and healthy attitude ajusting. But I did learn something in Pathways to Health. It has to do with those action plans. They were all about discrete, achievable steps that take you in the direction you want to go. My plan is Curves at least two times each week. Baby steps.
I was going good. Curves for moderate exercise, Pathways to Health for moderate attitude adjusting. Then . . . rather late in the game my husband decided to run for political office. How late? About two and a half weeks ago, well after two other candidates for his office had formally announced, developed campaign teams and strategies, and spent months politicking and fund raising. But, bottom line he was offended by the current operation of the office he is seeking and by the shallow qualifications of candidates vying to replace the retiring incumbent. So when urged to run, he decided to do it. What?!
First, we are NOT what you would call social animals. Second, other than my persistent tweeting about universal health care (I want it), we are not political animals. Ya think that might deter him? Not in the least. He started contacting basically everyone he knows and, dang, they all kept encouraging him. Then he started trying to contact politicians to identify consultants or somebody with campaign experience. Suffice it to say, the few consultant types that exist in the rural area we live in were already engaged - by our opponents. There was a moment that first week when it looked like we were facing insurmountable odds. Then, danged if he didn't connect up with a very high powered politico (hpp) who assured him it was not "too late." While too busy to consult on our campaign, hpp agreed to "advise" and lend the use of his name as a way to get calls returned. Seems politics is all about relationships. Call and leave a message in the black hole, or call and say hpp suggested I call and ta-dah, your phone rings in no time flat.
OK, as long as I'm looking up words, another one that seems to fit here is serendipity, "an aptitude for making desirable discoveries by accident." Or maybe it's fate -- the way we connected up with the big wig. It happened like this. We weren't getting anywhere with our efforts to find someone who could help us crack the old politics nut. Then my husband met with a fella who lost an election. He said if he had it to do over he'd just shell out the dough for high priced talent from out of the area like his victorious opponent hired. "Oh yeah, like who?" The answer was the guy who ended up being our very own high powered politico. Turns out he isn't from out of the area at all. He lives quietly in our own little town and cyber-works out of an office with no sign on the door. In fact, not only does he now live in our town, it turns out he grew up here. He's the son of a neighbor who lives just down our country road and he use to ride the bus with our oldest daughter 20 years ago. What are the chances of that?!
Within a week it was pretty clear that my husband was digging in and running for office. I actually felt kind of sick to my stomach at first but then I quickly got consumed by the process of trying to "get a clue" about campaigns. It was initially overwhelming, intimidating, daunting, scary, discouraging, distressing, etc. . .
I'm over feeling sick about it. No time or energy to waste on that. In the last two weeks my husband has filed his notice of intent, I became campaign treasurer and we recruited a couple of highly educated, energetic but underemployed young women to serve as campaign manager and assistant treasurer. Our candidate website and facebook account is up. We issued a press release announcing we are planning to announce (next Monday) and ended up on the evening news and in local newspapers. We have the endorsement of the mayor of the town we live in and a councilmen is on our steering committee. (One city down 4 to go in a county wide election.) We've raised almost $4,000 (about $31,000 to go) and we are all getting acclimated to talking to people and asking for things.
It's been a blur and seems it will continue to be until at least June and maybe all the way to November. In the last couple weeks, for me that blur has included writing and submitting a grant application and preparing and delivering a half-day presentation for a teacher training program on tribal sovereignty. Excellent results each time, but MAN have I been busy. Simply because all I've had time for is one of those healthy nut bar things for lunches and light dinners, I have actually lost 5 or 6 pounds. But I know I can't sustain that. Finally taking some down time today, I find I've been nurturing myself with food. Old habits die hard.
I haven't been to Curves for three weeks. I did not fulfill my weekly Pathways to Health action plan last week. This week I totally missed the last Pathways meeting. So much for exercise and healthy attitude ajusting. But I did learn something in Pathways to Health. It has to do with those action plans. They were all about discrete, achievable steps that take you in the direction you want to go. My plan is Curves at least two times each week. Baby steps.
Sunday, January 31, 2010
Impacts
Staying true to at least one thing in my life, this post will address an impact of being fat (as promised in my last blog.) In fact, it will address more than one impact. As with the size of my bod, I've got more than enough to go around, why be stingy?
It's after midnight. It's another one of those nights that I flat ate too much and can't even think about going to bed. My stomach hurts. An impact on my life of "being" fat (I'm talking lifestyle here) is PAIN, actual physical pain! I had a late dinner. The food was not unhealthy, I just ate too much - probably twice what I should have. And I drank wine with dinner, probably twice what I should have. Then, since I was tipsy from alcohol, I decided to have some ice cream. Man, tomorrow (no right after I post this) I'm throwing the rest of the fricken ice cream in the trash!
I actually wish I could be bulimic. I'm guessing people who are bulimic want to be skinny so bad they are propelled to expel food from their body. Unfortunately, I'm not really all that motivated by skinny. It's too vague a concept in my life. Still, I'd kind of like to be bulimic just so I could relieve the pressure in my belly. But I'm too much of a coward to gag myself.
I looked it up. Bulimia is defined as "an eating disorder marked by excessive eating binges followed by self-induced vomiting." I just have excessive eating binges. That doesn't even qualify as an eating disorder. What up with that? It should. It could be called Fullimia - an eating disorder marked by excessive eating binges that gorge the stomach to the point of discomfort and nausea, but short of vomiting, self-induced or otherwise.
I looked up obesity too. All it said was "very fat." Man, fat people get no respect! Obesity is most certainly an eating disorder. Guess I'll have to go drown my sorrows in antacids.
Another impact of the fat life is disappointment with a capital D. Disappointment. I'm disappointed in myself for punishing my body with food. I'm disappointed that Fullimia doesn't get eating disorder status and that obesity is not taken seriously. I'm disappointed that I sit in front of the TV and stuff my face all evening. My Pathways to Health goal for the week was to not eat after dinner. I now find I can't even tell when dinner is. It seems to start in the evening and lasts until I go to bed, unless I'm too full to go to bed. Then it lasts until I'm sick from stuffing my face. Very disappointing.
On the positive side, writing this has just now helped me formulate a new plan. I'm going to eat meals at the table instead of in front of the TV. The physical location will help establish meal boundaries. I believe this is a good plan. My chances of success are 6.5 (but I'm not going to revisit it because it's a perfectly good plan.)
One final thing I want to report is the experience I had the other day at an eye exam. I haven't had an exam for about three years. My eyes have been bothering me a bit. I seem to have a harder time adjusting to oncomming lights when driving at night. Particularly my left eye at times feels like I'm getting pink eye or something. I thought perhaps age was catching up with me or my glasses are just too scratched up and need new lenses. Turns out my left eye prescription has changed, not alot but just enough to cause all the symptoms I have been experiencing. New lenses and I'm good as new. That part was a relief. The part that was not so great was the glaucoma test. The result was fine, but I had to sit upright and lean my head forward into a swing arm apparatus. It was very awkard because the top of my belly just below by bust bulged out (further than my bust) and hit the bottom of the appartus. This made it difficult to rest my forhead against the frame. I stretched my neck to position my head properly, but was conscious of my bulging belly the entire time. It was embarassing and uncomfortable. Another impact of fat is unhappiness.
It's after midnight. It's another one of those nights that I flat ate too much and can't even think about going to bed. My stomach hurts. An impact on my life of "being" fat (I'm talking lifestyle here) is PAIN, actual physical pain! I had a late dinner. The food was not unhealthy, I just ate too much - probably twice what I should have. And I drank wine with dinner, probably twice what I should have. Then, since I was tipsy from alcohol, I decided to have some ice cream. Man, tomorrow (no right after I post this) I'm throwing the rest of the fricken ice cream in the trash!
I actually wish I could be bulimic. I'm guessing people who are bulimic want to be skinny so bad they are propelled to expel food from their body. Unfortunately, I'm not really all that motivated by skinny. It's too vague a concept in my life. Still, I'd kind of like to be bulimic just so I could relieve the pressure in my belly. But I'm too much of a coward to gag myself.
I looked it up. Bulimia is defined as "an eating disorder marked by excessive eating binges followed by self-induced vomiting." I just have excessive eating binges. That doesn't even qualify as an eating disorder. What up with that? It should. It could be called Fullimia - an eating disorder marked by excessive eating binges that gorge the stomach to the point of discomfort and nausea, but short of vomiting, self-induced or otherwise.
I looked up obesity too. All it said was "very fat." Man, fat people get no respect! Obesity is most certainly an eating disorder. Guess I'll have to go drown my sorrows in antacids.
Another impact of the fat life is disappointment with a capital D. Disappointment. I'm disappointed in myself for punishing my body with food. I'm disappointed that Fullimia doesn't get eating disorder status and that obesity is not taken seriously. I'm disappointed that I sit in front of the TV and stuff my face all evening. My Pathways to Health goal for the week was to not eat after dinner. I now find I can't even tell when dinner is. It seems to start in the evening and lasts until I go to bed, unless I'm too full to go to bed. Then it lasts until I'm sick from stuffing my face. Very disappointing.
On the positive side, writing this has just now helped me formulate a new plan. I'm going to eat meals at the table instead of in front of the TV. The physical location will help establish meal boundaries. I believe this is a good plan. My chances of success are 6.5 (but I'm not going to revisit it because it's a perfectly good plan.)
One final thing I want to report is the experience I had the other day at an eye exam. I haven't had an exam for about three years. My eyes have been bothering me a bit. I seem to have a harder time adjusting to oncomming lights when driving at night. Particularly my left eye at times feels like I'm getting pink eye or something. I thought perhaps age was catching up with me or my glasses are just too scratched up and need new lenses. Turns out my left eye prescription has changed, not alot but just enough to cause all the symptoms I have been experiencing. New lenses and I'm good as new. That part was a relief. The part that was not so great was the glaucoma test. The result was fine, but I had to sit upright and lean my head forward into a swing arm apparatus. It was very awkard because the top of my belly just below by bust bulged out (further than my bust) and hit the bottom of the appartus. This made it difficult to rest my forhead against the frame. I stretched my neck to position my head properly, but was conscious of my bulging belly the entire time. It was embarassing and uncomfortable. Another impact of fat is unhappiness.
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
Calories
I walked SIX miles this past week. Woo Hoo, great success with the plan I made in my Pathways to Health Class. As well I went to Curves three times this week, including today. They post a trivia challenge each week. This week they asked a question, the answer to which is "Calories." It got me thinking it may be time to start thinking about food. Hummm, not sure I'm ready. I still have half a quart of ice cream in the freezer.
I left my Pathways class early today to go to my grandson's basketball game. He had a great game! I'm happy I was there to witness it and to cheer him on. Attending the game required me to leave the class before we did goal setting. Nevertheless, I decided my goal is to maintain my exercise regime AND not to eat in the evenings after dinner. Maybe I succeeded - if sipping wine and grazing on food all evening, i.e, munching periodically on slices of pizza and then eating ice cream, all counts as a very prolonged dinner. Can dinner last three hours? Somehow I don't think so. Strike one.
I think I need to come to terms with the impact fat has on my life. Next post will examine that.
I left my Pathways class early today to go to my grandson's basketball game. He had a great game! I'm happy I was there to witness it and to cheer him on. Attending the game required me to leave the class before we did goal setting. Nevertheless, I decided my goal is to maintain my exercise regime AND not to eat in the evenings after dinner. Maybe I succeeded - if sipping wine and grazing on food all evening, i.e, munching periodically on slices of pizza and then eating ice cream, all counts as a very prolonged dinner. Can dinner last three hours? Somehow I don't think so. Strike one.
I think I need to come to terms with the impact fat has on my life. Next post will examine that.
Sunday, January 24, 2010
With backstory
Twitter only allows 140 character. I find it's an easy place to register a quick observation or reaction. I decided I'd periodically collect my tweets that relate to the topic of this blog and share them here, together with any elaboration that seems pertinent. Last night I made the following tweet (which, by-the-by, did keep food out of my mouth.)
Tweet: Grandbabies wore me out. House is a mess. Tempted to eat. I'm going to bed, straight to bed. Do not stuff face. Do not collect 200 calories
Backstory: Daughter volunteered at a fund raiser and I got to watch my almost 3 year old grandson and just 1 year old granddaughter for several very long hours yesterday evening. Everyone was tired and had their best qualities stashed securly away. Hubby still recovering from surgery was of limited help. Grandson had his usual runny poop "accident." (so gross I have to shower after cleaning him up!) Granddaughter was her usual spirited self. How spirited? Suffice it to say, my husband has nick-named her Osama.
Tweet: Felt SO good to exercise I'm going to do it again - 2 days in a row! Maybe I can turn it into a healthy addiction! ? (2 days ago)
Backstory: I decided to clock milage to determine where to park that was at least 1/2 miles from Curves. Turns out it's a Safeway parking lot. I can park, walk to Curves and work-out, then walk back. This allows a full mile of walking AND I can pick up things I may need from the grocery store. Parking at a food store is not an issue. I have consciously decided not to worry about food yet. I'm just integrating exercise into my life. Happily, I'm finding it is effecting food choice. I just don't like how some foods and how too much food makes me feel. Also, while the addiction reference was a joke (not really), I appreciate I have issues with finding a sustainable balance.
About addiction, that is, being unbalanced, I got a lesson from Gil. Gil is my hyper Pathways to Health partner, the guy I had to call to check on progress. His plan was to exercise every day doing one of a myriad of classes he attends: thi chi, yoga, sufi dance . . . I don't remember what all he mentioned. He rather arrogantly said his confidence level on a scale of 1 to 10 was "10." "It's stuff I do all the time, it's what I do anyway, so I'll have no problem doing this." Ha! I called and he immediately started laying track, building a cross continental express line of excueses for why he would not do even 1 day of exercise this week. As a supportive partner I said, "I think there may be a lesson in this for you Gil." Perhaps cutting yourself some slack, aiming for more modest achievements and not holding yourself to such high standards will ultimately improved both your rate of success and the qualilty of your life. (Duh!)
I then proceeded to apply that very lesson to myself as I explained (reinforced) my success for the week. Taking to heart the Pathways to Health recommendation of being realistic in one's goal setting, my plan was to add one mile of walking to my exercise routine. In two days I had already walked three miles. I told him about the steep road that climbs the hill across from my house. It's a vigerous workout. I did not walk that hill. Walking to the top and back is about a mile and a half but I find I must stop at least twice, my heart really gets to beating and I gasp for air - something that never happens at Curves or on flatland walks. When I stopped going to Curves back when, it was because I was going to get fit by walking this steep hill - a real workout. I did do it a few times, but IT WAS HARD and I found I took every excuse to avoid it until I was doing nothing at all. This time I did not try to incorporate this challenge. I decided I'd look for something that I could actually (even easily) do. The flatland walks are pleasant and I can feel the difference they make. My plan is to keep this up. On a scale of 1 to 10 I'd give my chances of success at least a 7.
Tweet: Grandbabies wore me out. House is a mess. Tempted to eat. I'm going to bed, straight to bed. Do not stuff face. Do not collect 200 calories
Backstory: Daughter volunteered at a fund raiser and I got to watch my almost 3 year old grandson and just 1 year old granddaughter for several very long hours yesterday evening. Everyone was tired and had their best qualities stashed securly away. Hubby still recovering from surgery was of limited help. Grandson had his usual runny poop "accident." (so gross I have to shower after cleaning him up!) Granddaughter was her usual spirited self. How spirited? Suffice it to say, my husband has nick-named her Osama.
Tweet: Felt SO good to exercise I'm going to do it again - 2 days in a row! Maybe I can turn it into a healthy addiction! ? (2 days ago)
Backstory: I decided to clock milage to determine where to park that was at least 1/2 miles from Curves. Turns out it's a Safeway parking lot. I can park, walk to Curves and work-out, then walk back. This allows a full mile of walking AND I can pick up things I may need from the grocery store. Parking at a food store is not an issue. I have consciously decided not to worry about food yet. I'm just integrating exercise into my life. Happily, I'm finding it is effecting food choice. I just don't like how some foods and how too much food makes me feel. Also, while the addiction reference was a joke (not really), I appreciate I have issues with finding a sustainable balance.
About addiction, that is, being unbalanced, I got a lesson from Gil. Gil is my hyper Pathways to Health partner, the guy I had to call to check on progress. His plan was to exercise every day doing one of a myriad of classes he attends: thi chi, yoga, sufi dance . . . I don't remember what all he mentioned. He rather arrogantly said his confidence level on a scale of 1 to 10 was "10." "It's stuff I do all the time, it's what I do anyway, so I'll have no problem doing this." Ha! I called and he immediately started laying track, building a cross continental express line of excueses for why he would not do even 1 day of exercise this week. As a supportive partner I said, "I think there may be a lesson in this for you Gil." Perhaps cutting yourself some slack, aiming for more modest achievements and not holding yourself to such high standards will ultimately improved both your rate of success and the qualilty of your life. (Duh!)
I then proceeded to apply that very lesson to myself as I explained (reinforced) my success for the week. Taking to heart the Pathways to Health recommendation of being realistic in one's goal setting, my plan was to add one mile of walking to my exercise routine. In two days I had already walked three miles. I told him about the steep road that climbs the hill across from my house. It's a vigerous workout. I did not walk that hill. Walking to the top and back is about a mile and a half but I find I must stop at least twice, my heart really gets to beating and I gasp for air - something that never happens at Curves or on flatland walks. When I stopped going to Curves back when, it was because I was going to get fit by walking this steep hill - a real workout. I did do it a few times, but IT WAS HARD and I found I took every excuse to avoid it until I was doing nothing at all. This time I did not try to incorporate this challenge. I decided I'd look for something that I could actually (even easily) do. The flatland walks are pleasant and I can feel the difference they make. My plan is to keep this up. On a scale of 1 to 10 I'd give my chances of success at least a 7.
Thursday, January 21, 2010
Stupid stupor
Since my husband's appointment was really early this morning, we decided we'd go to breakfast after. We went to this place that kind of combines restaurant styles. They use organic foods, grass fed beef, etc. But they serve it up in massive portions and with lots of (veggie?) oil and salt.
We decided to split a breakfast wrap and pancakes (for something sweet with coffee.) No, it was not the healthiest choice and yes, it was too much (even though we didn't eat it all). But that's not what I felt the need to write about, except as it figures in the "reminder."
The amazing part of the experience was this guy we saw sitting at the table next to us. I looked over and saw this basketball player sized huge guy shoveling in plates of food, enough to cover most of the table. He had a huge plate of pancakes - a stack that literally filled the plate. Another plate was covered with biscuits and gravey. And yet a third huge plate was entirely covered with crunchy fried hash browns and strips of bacon.
I turned to Jon and mouthed "oh my God!" Jon said, "well, he's a big guy." He was too. He was at least 6'5 - no taller, with a broad build. I actually think he probably is a basketball player (center post) for the local college team. No exaggeration, it only took him about 10 mintues to devour everything on the table. I pray he has good genes or his heart is in for some rough waters ahead. But for now, the guy looked completed healthy. And he was not at all fat.
Seeing this guy, combined with feeling good myself after eating a very fattening breakfast but then exercising and walking 2 miles reminded me - it is not just about what you eat. Food is fuel, some of it better for you than others, but not fattening if the output matches or exceeds the input. Duh! But food for me has been a drug and I am just beginning to awaken from my stupor.
We decided to split a breakfast wrap and pancakes (for something sweet with coffee.) No, it was not the healthiest choice and yes, it was too much (even though we didn't eat it all). But that's not what I felt the need to write about, except as it figures in the "reminder."
The amazing part of the experience was this guy we saw sitting at the table next to us. I looked over and saw this basketball player sized huge guy shoveling in plates of food, enough to cover most of the table. He had a huge plate of pancakes - a stack that literally filled the plate. Another plate was covered with biscuits and gravey. And yet a third huge plate was entirely covered with crunchy fried hash browns and strips of bacon.
I turned to Jon and mouthed "oh my God!" Jon said, "well, he's a big guy." He was too. He was at least 6'5 - no taller, with a broad build. I actually think he probably is a basketball player (center post) for the local college team. No exaggeration, it only took him about 10 mintues to devour everything on the table. I pray he has good genes or his heart is in for some rough waters ahead. But for now, the guy looked completed healthy. And he was not at all fat.
Seeing this guy, combined with feeling good myself after eating a very fattening breakfast but then exercising and walking 2 miles reminded me - it is not just about what you eat. Food is fuel, some of it better for you than others, but not fattening if the output matches or exceeds the input. Duh! But food for me has been a drug and I am just beginning to awaken from my stupor.
I go out walking
So I went to my Pathways to Health meeting yesterday. Hard to believe it's already been a week since the first meeting and since my last post. Since the first session, we lost a couple people, gained a couple others. One of the others was a women in her late 80's with severe Osteoarthritis. Over the years she's had 4 joints replaced but managed to maintain an active lifestyle until 7 months ago when her hip went south. Now she's in misery and has lost much of her mobility. She figures if she can get the #!/* medical establishment to authorize a hip replacement, she'll be good to go. And when she goes, she goes.
I ended up paired with her to discuss what about our condition makes us feel difficult emotions. I have to admit, I felt right on the border of silly. There I was whining about my weight when half the folks in the group are as big as me but have put on weight because of some serious underlying condition. Obesity doesn't even make their list of chronic conditions they are trying to address. But even so, I plowed ahead and identified the following "whats" about being fat that contribute to difficult emotions: (1) discomfort - like when I eat too much and feel sick or my belly actually hurts, or when my pants become too tight and create a big red mark where they pinch my midriff; and (2) lack of mobility. For example, I can't do child's pose because of stiffness in my back and because my huge belly gets in the way. Blow up a large beach ball, hold it at your belly and they try and lay flat against the floor with the ball beneath you. Physically impossible. Also, I have recently found that whenever I would think about traveling I would dismiss the idea, feeling that I'm just getting too old.
Yeah, yeah, this causes difficult emotions. The old lady experiences frustration and anger at the medical establishment. I experience these emotions too, but I realized I don't really have anyone else to direct the emotions at. Nope, no doctor is forcing me to sit on my butt or eat too much bad food. (How distressing! Is beating yourself up an emotion? Perhaps a cookie would make me feel better.)
Then to top it off, my 80 (maybe even 90) something partner tells me that just last year she was traipsing all around China, all by herself!
After the partnering activity, we went on to discuss physical activity and ended by making another action plan for the week. I decided to maintain my plan of working out at Curves at least three times a week. As well, I added that I would also walk at least one mile this week. We had to partner again to call each other to check on how we're doing on our plan. For this I partnered with some hyperactive retired guy with a host of problems. But then, from across the room, the old lady says she'd also like to call to check on my progress. "Uh, well . . . sure, ok. Guess I'll get lots of support this week."
This morning I drove my husband to an appointment. While waiting for him, I decided to take advantage of a break in the rain and walk. I walked well over a mile. I figured I might as well get that requirement out of the way so I could report progress when all these people call to check on me.
When I returned to the car, I noticed my tire was going flat. I took my husband home and then drove in to get the tire repaired. While waiting, I walked a half mile to Curves, worked out and then walked a half mile back. P-R-O-G-R-E-S-S!
I notice that with just this much physical activity, Curves and walking 2 miles, I can feel the oxygen entering my body when I breathe. It feels like energy. It feels good. It feels better than a cookie.
I ended up paired with her to discuss what about our condition makes us feel difficult emotions. I have to admit, I felt right on the border of silly. There I was whining about my weight when half the folks in the group are as big as me but have put on weight because of some serious underlying condition. Obesity doesn't even make their list of chronic conditions they are trying to address. But even so, I plowed ahead and identified the following "whats" about being fat that contribute to difficult emotions: (1) discomfort - like when I eat too much and feel sick or my belly actually hurts, or when my pants become too tight and create a big red mark where they pinch my midriff; and (2) lack of mobility. For example, I can't do child's pose because of stiffness in my back and because my huge belly gets in the way. Blow up a large beach ball, hold it at your belly and they try and lay flat against the floor with the ball beneath you. Physically impossible. Also, I have recently found that whenever I would think about traveling I would dismiss the idea, feeling that I'm just getting too old.
Yeah, yeah, this causes difficult emotions. The old lady experiences frustration and anger at the medical establishment. I experience these emotions too, but I realized I don't really have anyone else to direct the emotions at. Nope, no doctor is forcing me to sit on my butt or eat too much bad food. (How distressing! Is beating yourself up an emotion? Perhaps a cookie would make me feel better.)
Then to top it off, my 80 (maybe even 90) something partner tells me that just last year she was traipsing all around China, all by herself!
After the partnering activity, we went on to discuss physical activity and ended by making another action plan for the week. I decided to maintain my plan of working out at Curves at least three times a week. As well, I added that I would also walk at least one mile this week. We had to partner again to call each other to check on how we're doing on our plan. For this I partnered with some hyperactive retired guy with a host of problems. But then, from across the room, the old lady says she'd also like to call to check on my progress. "Uh, well . . . sure, ok. Guess I'll get lots of support this week."
This morning I drove my husband to an appointment. While waiting for him, I decided to take advantage of a break in the rain and walk. I walked well over a mile. I figured I might as well get that requirement out of the way so I could report progress when all these people call to check on me.
When I returned to the car, I noticed my tire was going flat. I took my husband home and then drove in to get the tire repaired. While waiting, I walked a half mile to Curves, worked out and then walked a half mile back. P-R-O-G-R-E-S-S!
I notice that with just this much physical activity, Curves and walking 2 miles, I can feel the oxygen entering my body when I breathe. It feels like energy. It feels good. It feels better than a cookie.
Thursday, January 14, 2010
Learning to Cope (Realistically)
My husband had surgery to repair an old hernia repair. Scar tissue build up was causing him misery. They went in, removed the old plug and cleaned up a mess of scar tissue. Modern/less intrusive mesh was inserted and a couple nerves snipped and buried in muscle tissue. This time he is taking time to heal and being proactive in his recovery. On the recommendation of a friend (my one and only reader) we contacted a masseuse who is experienced working with scars. She's now been out to work with him a couple of times. She's taking it easy on the scar, but helping both of us to understand connective tissue and how important it is to pay attention to the entire body even when attending to one particular problem area. Happily, she has my hubby considering how to adjust his work patterns to minimize a host of physical pains he has been dealing with for years. Just listening to her describe how a single issue can impact many other areas of one's body (and life) I was motivated to take action.
I decided to "celebrate what's right with the world" (to infringe on a trademark) and quit self-imposing barriers to a healthy life. Monday, while eating too big a lunch at a local restaurant, I saw an article about a free Pathways to Health workshop that assists with dealing with chronic conditions. There were 8 or 10 examples given of chronic conditions. When I got to the 3rd one I have (obesity, high blood pressure, anxiety) I decided I was going to sign up. I did.
Just signing up for the workshop motivated me to visit Curves to try it out for a week. I was previously a member of Curves but my branch closed last year when the economy went south. I hadn't been attending regularly anyway so I opted not to transfer to a different branch. I don't find Curves to be a vigorous workout. However, after just one work-out on Tuesday, I was reminded that I do find the work-out increases my energy and stamina and decreases stiffness and pain. (Why did I quit going?)
Yesterday I attended a meeting on that on-line class I'm developing. I arrived with a list of my course lecture topics that I'd sat down and put together after deciding I was done wallowing. I'm back on track. I also attended my first of 6 Pathways to Health sessions. We identified our chronic conditions and discussed their impacts on our lives. We then made a discrete, achievable action plan for the week. Mine is to attend Curves at least 3 times this week, in the morning for at least 30 minutes each time. We had to assess what we thought our chances of success are. If they are not at least a 7 out of 10, then the plan is probably not a realistic one and we should reconsider our plan. My estimate was 9.5. I'm doing this!
By the evening, I was sick. The cold my husband had begun complaining about the day before finally hit me. I felt tired. I sneezed. My nose started running. I went to bed by 11 (early for me). I got up this morning and found that although I do have a bit of a cold, I wasn't particularly symptomatic. Last week I would have played it safe and stayed home. This week, I went to Curves! First day of the rest of my life!
I decided to "celebrate what's right with the world" (to infringe on a trademark) and quit self-imposing barriers to a healthy life. Monday, while eating too big a lunch at a local restaurant, I saw an article about a free Pathways to Health workshop that assists with dealing with chronic conditions. There were 8 or 10 examples given of chronic conditions. When I got to the 3rd one I have (obesity, high blood pressure, anxiety) I decided I was going to sign up. I did.
Just signing up for the workshop motivated me to visit Curves to try it out for a week. I was previously a member of Curves but my branch closed last year when the economy went south. I hadn't been attending regularly anyway so I opted not to transfer to a different branch. I don't find Curves to be a vigorous workout. However, after just one work-out on Tuesday, I was reminded that I do find the work-out increases my energy and stamina and decreases stiffness and pain. (Why did I quit going?)
Yesterday I attended a meeting on that on-line class I'm developing. I arrived with a list of my course lecture topics that I'd sat down and put together after deciding I was done wallowing. I'm back on track. I also attended my first of 6 Pathways to Health sessions. We identified our chronic conditions and discussed their impacts on our lives. We then made a discrete, achievable action plan for the week. Mine is to attend Curves at least 3 times this week, in the morning for at least 30 minutes each time. We had to assess what we thought our chances of success are. If they are not at least a 7 out of 10, then the plan is probably not a realistic one and we should reconsider our plan. My estimate was 9.5. I'm doing this!
By the evening, I was sick. The cold my husband had begun complaining about the day before finally hit me. I felt tired. I sneezed. My nose started running. I went to bed by 11 (early for me). I got up this morning and found that although I do have a bit of a cold, I wasn't particularly symptomatic. Last week I would have played it safe and stayed home. This week, I went to Curves! First day of the rest of my life!
Sunday, January 10, 2010
Food is an opiate
Twitter Niece: "Am feeling dejected after another 'Thanks but no thanks' Agent letter. So... Pepsi anybody? Pepsi is like Prozac."
Twitter Me: "You and I need new strategies for dealing with dejection cause we get FAR too much dejection for our waist lines to handle. '.' "
Twitter Me: "You and I need new strategies for dealing with dejection cause we get FAR too much dejection for our waist lines to handle. '.' "
Celebrate What's Right With The World Video
Ok, I've been wallowing in something. Bogged down, stuck - like glue. The weight/health thing is not the only place in my life where this is happening. I'm supposed to be developing an on-line course addressing law and politics. Just like I know how to eat healthy, I know the law/politics subject area. In both instances, I am RESISTING. My heart is not singing.
Today I got an e-mail directing me to the video linked below. It's a National Geographic photographer talking about his enlightening encounters with the beauty that exists all around us. "You won't see it until you believe it." Watching the video is like guided meditation. Very calming, nourishing even. Worth the 20 minutes.
Celebrate What's Right With The World Video by Lazarus! - The Resurrected - MySpace Video
As I watched, I realized I LOVE photography and I LOVE creating traditional items related to my native heritage. These are activities I can lose myself in. These are activities I can find myself in.
Developing a "healthy lifestyle" and developing an on-line course are chores I have signed on for that take me away from the things I love. At any rate, this is how I am approaching (resisting) them. After watching this video, I realize I need to adjust my vision - see it in a way that lifts me up instead of dragging me down.
I'll have to sit with this a bit. Literally, I can feel a lightness in the back of my skull. The video kind of shook things loose, made me dizzy. Like the earthquake we had yesterday (6.5 undulation.) Everything is still in exactly the same place, but it has all been moved about.
Today I got an e-mail directing me to the video linked below. It's a National Geographic photographer talking about his enlightening encounters with the beauty that exists all around us. "You won't see it until you believe it." Watching the video is like guided meditation. Very calming, nourishing even. Worth the 20 minutes.
Celebrate What's Right With The World Video by Lazarus! - The Resurrected - MySpace Video
As I watched, I realized I LOVE photography and I LOVE creating traditional items related to my native heritage. These are activities I can lose myself in. These are activities I can find myself in.
Developing a "healthy lifestyle" and developing an on-line course are chores I have signed on for that take me away from the things I love. At any rate, this is how I am approaching (resisting) them. After watching this video, I realize I need to adjust my vision - see it in a way that lifts me up instead of dragging me down.
I'll have to sit with this a bit. Literally, I can feel a lightness in the back of my skull. The video kind of shook things loose, made me dizzy. Like the earthquake we had yesterday (6.5 undulation.) Everything is still in exactly the same place, but it has all been moved about.
Thursday, January 7, 2010
Next . . .
"You're the only one who knows when you're using things to protect yourself and keep your ego together and when you're opening and letting things fall apart, letting the world come as it is - working with it rather than struggling against it. You're the only one who knows." ---Pema Chodron
Small world. I'm still getting familiar with how this blog thing works. I've clicked "next blog" a couple times and gotten Japanese teen bloggers.
Well, I finally read what the feature is supposed to do, i.e., take you to bloggers with similar interests. Hum, maybe that's the connection to foreign teens -- self-absorbtion. At any rate, I've posted a few times since I last checked out the next blog feature, so I clicked it again. This time I was taken to Epizoodiks, a southern writer's blog. Guess since I don't post pictures, I must be interested in writing. Well, lots of words on Epizoodiks. The blog has existed for several years and has many interesting links and features. I decided to follow just so I could find it again and try and explore some of the features. As well, the Pema Chodron quote is from the Epizoodiks blog. I almost laughed when I saw it. Seemed both poignant and ironic. Clearly false, yet right on the money. Very buddist indeed.
I just blogged about what a psychic told me. (I'm not fat I'm psychic and the fat will fall away as I open and release the heavy protection I carry.) Of course, another name (Buddhist lingo) for all that heavy psychic protection I am fortified with is e-g-o. I agree with Pema, holding on/resisting/struggling are ego based behaviors that make life hard and breed unproductive behaviors. I agree I continue to do these things. I don't agree that I'm the only one who knows. Here I agree with the psychic. My protection is pretty dang visible to anyone who even glances in my chubby direction.
Since I "committed" to changing my ways, I've been doing terribly - holding on, resisting, struggling. (Ha! Proof positive of how bad I'm doing, I'm judging myself.) I procrastinate about everything, I'm not exercising, I have silly emotional confrontations with silly emotional people, I make long lists of things to do and then sit on the computer and waste my time on Gameyola. (Do you have any idea how long it takes to collapse 350,000 squares and then try to beat your own score!) To make matters worse, among other things today I fueled my body with an egg mcmuffin, followed by bagel with cream cheese and a donut for lunch, and Mexican food with a glass of wine for dinner. And just because it's one of the few remaining worst foods in the world not yet listed, I admit I had an ice cream sandwich (Skinny Cow) for dessert. I'm blogging because I feel too full and uncomfortable to go to bed. I feel like I should have one of those midevel Christian leather whip/strap contraptions so I can just flog myself.
Oh my gosh, as I read this it sounds desperate, depressed even. Maybe that's it. Maybe I'm not psychic or Buddhist, maybe I just have a disease. I'd chalk it up to seasonal affect disorder but I don't think that applies to all four seasons . . .
Small world. I'm still getting familiar with how this blog thing works. I've clicked "next blog" a couple times and gotten Japanese teen bloggers.
Well, I finally read what the feature is supposed to do, i.e., take you to bloggers with similar interests. Hum, maybe that's the connection to foreign teens -- self-absorbtion. At any rate, I've posted a few times since I last checked out the next blog feature, so I clicked it again. This time I was taken to Epizoodiks, a southern writer's blog. Guess since I don't post pictures, I must be interested in writing. Well, lots of words on Epizoodiks. The blog has existed for several years and has many interesting links and features. I decided to follow just so I could find it again and try and explore some of the features. As well, the Pema Chodron quote is from the Epizoodiks blog. I almost laughed when I saw it. Seemed both poignant and ironic. Clearly false, yet right on the money. Very buddist indeed.
I just blogged about what a psychic told me. (I'm not fat I'm psychic and the fat will fall away as I open and release the heavy protection I carry.) Of course, another name (Buddhist lingo) for all that heavy psychic protection I am fortified with is e-g-o. I agree with Pema, holding on/resisting/struggling are ego based behaviors that make life hard and breed unproductive behaviors. I agree I continue to do these things. I don't agree that I'm the only one who knows. Here I agree with the psychic. My protection is pretty dang visible to anyone who even glances in my chubby direction.
Since I "committed" to changing my ways, I've been doing terribly - holding on, resisting, struggling. (Ha! Proof positive of how bad I'm doing, I'm judging myself.) I procrastinate about everything, I'm not exercising, I have silly emotional confrontations with silly emotional people, I make long lists of things to do and then sit on the computer and waste my time on Gameyola. (Do you have any idea how long it takes to collapse 350,000 squares and then try to beat your own score!) To make matters worse, among other things today I fueled my body with an egg mcmuffin, followed by bagel with cream cheese and a donut for lunch, and Mexican food with a glass of wine for dinner. And just because it's one of the few remaining worst foods in the world not yet listed, I admit I had an ice cream sandwich (Skinny Cow) for dessert. I'm blogging because I feel too full and uncomfortable to go to bed. I feel like I should have one of those midevel Christian leather whip/strap contraptions so I can just flog myself.
Oh my gosh, as I read this it sounds desperate, depressed even. Maybe that's it. Maybe I'm not psychic or Buddhist, maybe I just have a disease. I'd chalk it up to seasonal affect disorder but I don't think that applies to all four seasons . . .
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
atwitter
Today my niece made the following tweet:
I replied as follows:
Day three of serious running and sweating at the gym... Sore and thirsty (used to be how I felt after a night out!)
I replied as follows:
Good for you! I'm resolved to getting fit 2010 too. So far my strategy of sitting on my butt & getting up to eat isn't working.
Monday, January 4, 2010
Getting to know me - the 411
As I start this blog, I am fat. Oh my god, just saying that is obscene. “I” am not fat. “I” am light and beauty, albeit surrounded by fat, enough fat to qualify as officially obese. I’m the gal that sits on the couch and eats while watching the Biggest Loser. I’m the gal that diets for a solid week to drop the five pounds I can manage to put back on in only two days. I’ve got wardrobes in three sizes - less fat, fat and disgusting. I’m presently at the high end of my fat wardrobe.
I’m 55 years old and although I’ve experienced normal weight, I have been fat most of my life. I kid you not, my earliest memory, from when I was only 2 years old, is of my grandmother’s breadbox. Another blast from the past I remember quite clearly is getting weighed in kindergarten. Another girl, who was easily a foot taller and five pounds heavier than me, made a point of walking up to me and declaring, “I am the fattest kid in the kindergarten class.” Just like it was yesterday, I recall responding with an air of defiance, “Well, I’m the second fattest!” I was a 70 pound kindergartner. In third grade I wore sweaters even on warm days to cover how the sleeves of my dresses pinched my beefy arms. In 6th grade, back in the Kennedy fitness days, back when during fitness tests all the girls stood in a circle around you to provide a “privacy screen” (ha!), I recall the humiliation of struggling but not managing even one single sit-up. I never hopped a fence or played on the monkey bars.
Finally, in eighth grade, saying she was not going to watch a fat daughter graduate, my mother took me to a pill pushing “diet doctor” who gave me an envelope of pills that allowed me to drop over 30 pounds in about three months. I didn’t stay on those pills long but I ultimately ended up staying within “normal” weight ranges until I started having children in my 20’s. With each child my weight increased. Three kids, three twenty pound weight increases.
I am 5’ 4 1/2”. My all time heaviest weight was 218 pounds. About five years ago I went on the South Beach Diet and dropped 36 pounds in just a few months. Nice accomplishment, but still 18 pounds too heavy to qualify for health insurance!
I know what healthy eating is and I know how important exercise is. Even so, over the past few years, my weight has adjusted back up nearly 20 pounds. I say “adjusted up” because the creep up has involved the loss and gain of probably a hundred pounds. Diet, lose 5 to 7 pounds, binge and regain 6 to 8. Every fat person knows the story.
Now I have both obesity and age to contend with. Bending is a challenge because my belly gets in the way. Nonexistent muscle tone and joint stiffness sometimes make the simple act of standing up a slow and incremental process. I suffer from chronic back pain and bad knees require care in movement and restrict some activity. I’m the only sibling of five that does not (yet) have diabetes. Unable to say no, I join my husband in drinking far too much wine and eating too much too late in the evening until I am downright uncomfortable. Ok, I admit it, sometimes my stomach actually hurts.
But enough of all that. You get the picture. This blog will focus on how in the heck I managed to end up in this shape and how, despite a lifetime of obesity, I become fit, active and trim.
I’m 55 years old and although I’ve experienced normal weight, I have been fat most of my life. I kid you not, my earliest memory, from when I was only 2 years old, is of my grandmother’s breadbox. Another blast from the past I remember quite clearly is getting weighed in kindergarten. Another girl, who was easily a foot taller and five pounds heavier than me, made a point of walking up to me and declaring, “I am the fattest kid in the kindergarten class.” Just like it was yesterday, I recall responding with an air of defiance, “Well, I’m the second fattest!” I was a 70 pound kindergartner. In third grade I wore sweaters even on warm days to cover how the sleeves of my dresses pinched my beefy arms. In 6th grade, back in the Kennedy fitness days, back when during fitness tests all the girls stood in a circle around you to provide a “privacy screen” (ha!), I recall the humiliation of struggling but not managing even one single sit-up. I never hopped a fence or played on the monkey bars.
Finally, in eighth grade, saying she was not going to watch a fat daughter graduate, my mother took me to a pill pushing “diet doctor” who gave me an envelope of pills that allowed me to drop over 30 pounds in about three months. I didn’t stay on those pills long but I ultimately ended up staying within “normal” weight ranges until I started having children in my 20’s. With each child my weight increased. Three kids, three twenty pound weight increases.
I am 5’ 4 1/2”. My all time heaviest weight was 218 pounds. About five years ago I went on the South Beach Diet and dropped 36 pounds in just a few months. Nice accomplishment, but still 18 pounds too heavy to qualify for health insurance!
I know what healthy eating is and I know how important exercise is. Even so, over the past few years, my weight has adjusted back up nearly 20 pounds. I say “adjusted up” because the creep up has involved the loss and gain of probably a hundred pounds. Diet, lose 5 to 7 pounds, binge and regain 6 to 8. Every fat person knows the story.
Now I have both obesity and age to contend with. Bending is a challenge because my belly gets in the way. Nonexistent muscle tone and joint stiffness sometimes make the simple act of standing up a slow and incremental process. I suffer from chronic back pain and bad knees require care in movement and restrict some activity. I’m the only sibling of five that does not (yet) have diabetes. Unable to say no, I join my husband in drinking far too much wine and eating too much too late in the evening until I am downright uncomfortable. Ok, I admit it, sometimes my stomach actually hurts.
But enough of all that. You get the picture. This blog will focus on how in the heck I managed to end up in this shape and how, despite a lifetime of obesity, I become fit, active and trim.
Shhhhh
I watched The Secret with a friend this afternoon. She'd never seen it before and I seem to have forgotten what the Secret is. Well, now I remember. So I sat down and not only did I visualize myself as fit and trim, I FELT it. It feels like my entire body has been in a cast for most of my life (even my head) and the cast was cut off. As it fell away, I had to reach down and hold onto the chair so my comparatively weightless body would not float off like a helium balloon.
Apparently, attitude is everything.
This little exercise brought to mind a psychic reading I had a number of years ago. I asked the psychic why I'm fat and what I need to do to lose weight. She said "you look fine to me. I don't think you need to do anything." (?!) Then, even though she wasn't, she proceeded to tell me that it is not at all uncommon for people with psychic abilities to be heavy. I remember to this day, she said, "you're not fat, you're psychic." (Yeah well, tell my knees that.) She told me the extra weight is just a form of protection. As I open and release all that psychic armor/protection, the weight will just fall away." I think that must have been about a decade ago. Since then I've read dozens of self-help and spiritual books, tried meditating, did about 4 years of therapy. Apparently, all to no avail. Guess my armor is still up cause nothing is falling away.
Apparently, attitude is everything.
This little exercise brought to mind a psychic reading I had a number of years ago. I asked the psychic why I'm fat and what I need to do to lose weight. She said "you look fine to me. I don't think you need to do anything." (?!) Then, even though she wasn't, she proceeded to tell me that it is not at all uncommon for people with psychic abilities to be heavy. I remember to this day, she said, "you're not fat, you're psychic." (Yeah well, tell my knees that.) She told me the extra weight is just a form of protection. As I open and release all that psychic armor/protection, the weight will just fall away." I think that must have been about a decade ago. Since then I've read dozens of self-help and spiritual books, tried meditating, did about 4 years of therapy. Apparently, all to no avail. Guess my armor is still up cause nothing is falling away.
Sunday, January 3, 2010
Emotional Brakes
I'm furious! It started over gratuitous, unnecessary remarks in a brief phone conversation with my FRICKEN CRAZY daughter. There was a real subtext for the tension, but the actual conflict involved a stupid trading of barbs.
The interesting thing, from the perspective of this blog, is the physical reaction I experienced. I felt the rush of adrenaline, flight or fight. Although for me, it was all about the fight. I was pissed! Fortunately, it was a phone call which she ended because she also was pissed. With no opportunity to fight, I had to figure what else I might do with the sick, out-of-wack blood sugar sensation I was experiencing. I called and spoke briefly with my other daughter (who was on the phone with Crazy). She suggested we just lay low and not speak to each other for a bit while we cooled off. Otherwise we would probably say mean things we would later regret.
Now I know there are many and real issues associated with each button we carelessly pushed in our brief conversation. Not sure how we ever really deal with them, or if I really want to. But, I notice that emotions STOP me in my tracks. I became unable to continue what I'd been working on, still can't. So, to change what I usually do (which is probably to start eating something), I'm taking a walk - right now.
The interesting thing, from the perspective of this blog, is the physical reaction I experienced. I felt the rush of adrenaline, flight or fight. Although for me, it was all about the fight. I was pissed! Fortunately, it was a phone call which she ended because she also was pissed. With no opportunity to fight, I had to figure what else I might do with the sick, out-of-wack blood sugar sensation I was experiencing. I called and spoke briefly with my other daughter (who was on the phone with Crazy). She suggested we just lay low and not speak to each other for a bit while we cooled off. Otherwise we would probably say mean things we would later regret.
Now I know there are many and real issues associated with each button we carelessly pushed in our brief conversation. Not sure how we ever really deal with them, or if I really want to. But, I notice that emotions STOP me in my tracks. I became unable to continue what I'd been working on, still can't. So, to change what I usually do (which is probably to start eating something), I'm taking a walk - right now.
A New Year, A New Day
The new year seems to be a time of assessment. Everyone is looking back on the year before, realizing an entire year of life is gone forever. We assess - am I happy with me, am I where I want to be? Suffice it to say, if you are a fat person, invariably the answer is NO.
Well, "Hello, my name is F.A.T. girl and I am a fat person." Writing that feels a bit like the opening to an AA meeting. As it should I suppose. I am a fat person anonymous.
I decided to start this blog to explore and support lifestyle choices and changes. I decided to keep it anonymous so I could be as brutally honest as my journey requires. (And I can be brutal.) But as well, I've had enough therapy to know that the sorry details are of little consequence. My struggles and unhealthy patters are actually rather universal.
Last year I tried starting a journal. I called it Fits and Starts. After a few months and very few entries I ended it as follows:
"I think I need to rename this document 'Fats and Rolls.' Nuf said."
Invariably.
So this year, I'm taking a more public (even if no one reads this) and committed approach - I'm blogging. No private, hidden, secret, pretend endeavor this time. This time my effort is out in the world.
And just to keep the journey and my attention focused on the positive, I'll disclose right up front - F.A.T. stands for "fit, active and trim." That's where my attention goes from here on out. For those times I roll around in my history of lard - my mean brothers actually called me Larda as a child - it will be to explore the pains and barriers that keep regular old fat shrouding my light and bogging down the grace of my movement.
Well, "Hello, my name is F.A.T. girl and I am a fat person." Writing that feels a bit like the opening to an AA meeting. As it should I suppose. I am a fat person anonymous.
I decided to start this blog to explore and support lifestyle choices and changes. I decided to keep it anonymous so I could be as brutally honest as my journey requires. (And I can be brutal.) But as well, I've had enough therapy to know that the sorry details are of little consequence. My struggles and unhealthy patters are actually rather universal.
Last year I tried starting a journal. I called it Fits and Starts. After a few months and very few entries I ended it as follows:
"I think I need to rename this document 'Fats and Rolls.' Nuf said."
Invariably.
So this year, I'm taking a more public (even if no one reads this) and committed approach - I'm blogging. No private, hidden, secret, pretend endeavor this time. This time my effort is out in the world.
And just to keep the journey and my attention focused on the positive, I'll disclose right up front - F.A.T. stands for "fit, active and trim." That's where my attention goes from here on out. For those times I roll around in my history of lard - my mean brothers actually called me Larda as a child - it will be to explore the pains and barriers that keep regular old fat shrouding my light and bogging down the grace of my movement.
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